With the growth of the economic level, many governments regard that economic progress is the most important goal for a country. On the other hand, some people believe that other types of progress are equally important for a country. In this essay, I would like to discuss these views and suggest my opinion about this case.
On the one hand, it is evident that economic development is an important goal to raise a country's national impact or power on the world. If a country grows its economic power, people in the country are able to live a more convenient and rich life. Some people in poor countries are subsided (문법만 보면 이게 맞는데, 사실 '가라앉다' 라는 의미로 그렇게 자연스럽게 쓰이는 건 아니라...단어 자체를 바꾸는 게 낫긴 합니다.) and they are more likely to feel unhappy because of making a living. A high economic level can give citizens opportunities for education, cultures which make people happy. For instance, South Korea made a huge development of the economy for about 20 years in the past. This gives gave people a higher level and qualified education, cultures, jobs.
On the other hand, I am of the opinion that other types of progress are equally important for a country. There are significant factors to grow an economic level. People need healthy lifestyles, welfare for economic activities. In my opinion, healthy lifestyles assure effective economic activities, and, welfare for citizens' life gives people reassurance that they are protected by the a government when they work. For example, nowadays, we can see less economic activities due to a lot of infected (무엇과 관련해서 infected 인지 조금 더 구체적인 서술이 좋을 것 같습니다.) people and dangerous situations. Additionally, governments' welfare is playing very vital roles related to health. This means before economic activities, people need many things to live their life, such as physical, mental health.
To sum up, it is true that economic progress is an important goal for a country, however, I believe other types of progress are equally important. Different kinds Kinds of health, education, welfare are essential factors for people's life and also economic activities.
감사합니다^ㅇ^!!!!!
총평: (6/7/7/6) 6.5
이런저런 자잘한 사항들이 있긴 했지만 6.0 넘기는데에는 아무런 지장이 없고, 아마 6.5까지도 무난할 겁니다. 시험은 이미 치르셨을텐데 고생하셨고, 시간 문제 등만 없었으면 아마 충분히 원하는만큼의 점수는 받으셨을 거에요.
수고하셨습니다 :)