People in the modern world are enjoying greater wealth, but they are not as fit and active as they were in the past.
What are the reasons for this?
What action can be taken to reverse this condition?
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Today people have much more money than before, but they are not as healthy and energetic as those in the past. There are many reasons for this, however, I believe people can do something to change this situation.
The general logic is to think that having more money can lead a healthier and more energetic life. But paradoxically, the truth is often the opposite. Modern people have more money, but modern people are neither healthy nor energetic than those in the past. (여기까지는 이미 서론에서도 설명된 현상이며, 논제에서도 이미 전제가 된 상황입니다. 정말 최소한으로 간추리거나 아예 싹 날려버리고 뒤따르는 '원인' 에 더 집중해주세요!) The reason is that people these days are too busy working and spend more on unhealthy activities, and spend more to keep up with their earnings. Also, people work harder to make more money, which makes them more stressed.
Obviously, only common sense and logic can change this state. Everyone knows that people need to exercise and eat healthy foods to stay healthy. Therefore, people should make use of our their busy time and use it as efficiently as possible. People should throw away the idea that they don't do not have to exercise and eat balanced meals just because they are busy. People should try to insert exercise into their daily life, such as through (such as의 반복을 피하기 위해 바꿔드렸습니다.) simple outdoor activities such as a short walk every day, or going to a fitness club after work or riding a bike to and from work.
In conclusion, huge wealth is not always the same as better health. Therefore, if people want to be healthy and chubby (얘는 오히려 건강하지 않은...쪽으로 해석되는 게 일반적이라, 썩 좋지는 않습니다.), they need to plan their time wisely and lead regular lives.
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틀 없이 최대한 해보려고 노력중이에요...
그리고 작성시간 줄이기 계속 하고있는데.. 40분 이하로 떨어지질 않내요..
항상 첨삭 감사합니다!
총평: (6/7/6/7) 6.5
시간의 경우 너무 집착하실 필요는 없습니다. 물론 40분 이내로 떨어지면 금상첨화이지만, 그렇지 않더라도 막 50분을 넘기는 경우만 아니면 어차피 task1에서 시간 벌어나가시면 돼요.
그리고 설령 글이 미완성으로 제출되었다고 하더라도, 그렇게 심한 미완성이 아니면 6.0 정도는 충분히 넘기시니까 걱정하실 건 없어요!
수고하셨습니다 :)