> > 2009-08-09 22:59:35, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
■ You should spend about 40 minutes on this task ■ Write about the following topic ■ Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience ■ Write at least 250 words | |
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Topic :Nowadays, increasing countries are confronted with the disappearance of cooking skills. What is the situation in your country? Do you agree that the young children should be taught home cooking in school?. | |
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Young people in modern society are inclined to enjoy eating out. As a result, they do not think it is necessary to learn home cooking. Nevertheless, I believe that home cooking should be learned by the young(the youngs should learn home cooking). In this essay, I will discuss some advantages of home cooking (some advantages of home cooking is to be discussed).
First of all, a balanced eating habit is crucial for health(Food at home can encourage a balanced eating habit) . The foods of restaurants and snack bars are mostly delicious and stimulative (맛있기만하고 건강에는 도움이 되지 않는다는 것이라는 추가 설명 필요). In(for) this reason, people might choose less nutritious food. For example, a study conducted about eating habit reported that almost of fast foods (instant food) such as hamburgers, pizzas, and fried chickens can cause children of obesity and malnutrition(또는 cause children suffering from obesity and malnutrition). Moreover, if a person gets sick, the dish that is made by family is more healthy for his recovery(helpful for one's recovery).
Secondly, home cooking is more economical than eating-out. If people keep paying for restaurant foods, they cannot set aside(save) their money. It is more useful (necessary) for children to learn how to spend money more wisely and the advantage of saving money. In addition, they can preserve the previous tastes of traditional foods and develop those. It will help people introduce their unique cuisine to foreigners and it can enhance their countries’ reputations.(아예 다른 문단으로 나누어 써야 할 듯 - 내용 보충 필요. 집에서 요리해 먹으면 외국인들에게 한국의 독창적인 음식을 선보일 수 있다 --> 약간 내용이 지지가 안되는 것 같아요.)
In conclusion, young children should learn how to make home cooking (how to cook at home) as much as they can. It is reasonable not only for their health but also for keeping their specific traditional culture and for the benefits of their mother countries (돈 절약 된다 가 빠졌군요). | |
몇점이라고 는 말 못드리겠지만.
너무 급하게 많은 양을 소화시키려는 건 아닌지 하고 생각이 드네요.
전에 하나 올리셨던것 보다 오히려 더 나빠졌다는 생각이 들고요(제가 이런 말을 해도 될지; 저도 같이 아이엘츠 공부하는 학생이니 너무 울컥 하지 않으셨으면 ㅡㅡ;)
처음에 브레인 스토밍을 하시고(혹시 시간이 부족해서 브레인스토밍 못하겠어 라고 하신다고 해도 문단 들어가기 전에는 한번씩 근거와 예를 생각해 주는 센스를 발휘하시길) 나중에 다 쓴 후에 한번 더 셀프 교정을 보시면 훨씬 나아질 것이라 생각합니다.
전체적으로 인트로와 첫 근거 까지는 확실한 의견이 느껴지지만 두번째 근거로 가면 논지가 약해진다는 느낌이 듭니다.