▶ Your Answer :
The development of many different fields in society has affected
on the pattern of our life. Although sufficient food and convenience>> 뭐에 대한 편리함인가요? have offered
happiness to people, they have caused some side effects. As it made people
enjoy laziness, they were exposed to some health diseases. As a result, lots of >> lots of 는 구어체에서 쓰는 표현입니다 a lot of 를 써주세요
people are already suffered from illnesses. I think that >> I think 보다 in my opinion 의 표현이 더욱 좋습니다 the government should
take care of the patients who have health problems on their health first.
Some experts argue that preventing diseases have many positive
effects on people's lifestyles. For example, manufacturing a public beneficial
advertisement can encourage people to change their lifestyles and make them
healthier >> 보통은 비교급이 나오면 than을 써줍니다. In addition, since the populations of people without illness>> 콤마 빼주세요 is
outnumbered the counterpart, the government should spend the public money on
preventing illnesses.>> advertisement 보단 campaign 이 낫지 않을까 생각듭니다
However, because people are living in a society of
capitalism and competition, they are bent on working for earning money and their life because people are living in a society of capitalism and competition.
Even though the public benefit advertisement stimulates people, no one knows how
many people will follow it. The important point is that the government should
give a hope to national members their people 혹은 citizens 가 더 적절하겠습니다 that they will never give up the patients.
Furthermore, the investment on treatment of physical and mental diseases can vitalize the
medical field.
To sum up, in my opinion, even if the advent of modern
industry gives us lots of profits. However, on the one hand, >> on the other hand 는 두 문장을 잇지 못합니다 it makes an environment which people are increasingly being
suffered suffer from illnesses. Thus, the government ought to draw up an enough public
budget on taking care of the people who are afflicted by health problems. 부탁드립니다^^
전체 글의 흐름은 괜찮았습니다 단어가 괜찮은 것도 약간 미숙한 부분이 있었구 중복되는 단어가 꽤 있었습니다 다양하고 다채롭게 써주세요 결론은 현재 아픈 사람들에게 돈을 써야 한다는 것이 되겠네요 확실하게 결론에선 표현해주시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6 6.0 예상합니다
|