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In these days, more and more >> increasingly 가 더욱 좋은 표현입니다 부사 뒤에 위치하는 부사 이구요 people much
care about our environmental troubles. People usually use chemical compounds
and, especially, harmful elements>> harmful 이 아니라 toxic 등의 좀 더 구체화 된 나쁜 것들이 좋겠네요 to our surrounding circumstance nature. The mountains, rivers and the seas are damaged by people’s behavior>> what behavior?. This trend has been expanded than
before. Therefore, we should investigate causes and find exact solutions to
solve environmental issues. In this essay, I will illustrate what the
governments should do and also what we can do.
First of all, there are some good methods
on how to deal with the environmental problems. As a matter of a fact, there are
a lot of wastes in the world. So >> so and also but or 는 문두에 쓰지 않습니다, if we reduce consumption and also trash, our
world would will>> if 절 동사가 현재면 주절 조동사는 현재입니다 be cleaner>> 비교급이 나오면 than이 필요합니다. In addition to this, we’d >> 축약형은 없애주세요 we would better take public
transportation rather than take own private cars. According to a survey conducted by
some researching groups, the number of private cars is proportion to the level of
air pollution >> 어떤 뜻인지 잘 모르겠습니다. As you know >> 에세이에서 이런 식의 말을 쓰지 않습니다 as you know는 스피킹에서 어울리는 말입니다, the air pollution causes harmful diseases such as a lung cancer
and skin irritation. So >> 위와 마찬가지입니다 even though we cannot handle entirely >> 부사는 동사 뒤 입니다 this trend entirely, we
should try to relieve those situations.>> 마지막 문장은 주장에 대한 정리 글이 아니라 아예 글 자체에 대한 정리 내용 같습니다 주장에 대한 정리 내용을 써주세요
Moreover, the government should regulate the
traffic quantity by implementing rules>> rule은 set이란 동사와 더욱 어울리겠네요 or laws. I think >> in my opinion이 좋습니다 that this execution would be
effective for our environment. For example, in Seoul, the administration of
Seoul wanted Seoul the capital city to be clean. So, they regulate people with some rules such as that
Seoul citizen should not drive their cars during the a set appointed day. At first, the
effects of the rule were somewhat tiny. However, the positive benefits have
increased from the past to the present. >> 이미 have pp가 과거부터 현재까지 그렇단 것을 나타내줍니다 하지만 너무 막연하게 좋은 점이 있다고 서술하셨습니다 어느 부분이 좋아졌다는 것을 말씀해주셔야 합니다
In conclusion, to protect our environment, people
and the government have to do some actions which are mentioned above, I think. In particular,
in order not to pollute our natural environment, we should do our best in
various ways and also the government takes actions which will be effective. 빨간 부분들에서 언급할 부분들은 거의 해드렸습니다 잘 보시고 스피킹에서 하는 것과는 다르게 쓰셔야 합니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다
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