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In recent years, it is common to hear news reports about rising obesity rate and relative diseases. This issue is becoming more and more serious because it is threatening public health a great deal and >> 문장이 길어집니다 끊어주세요 . As a result, it is leading productivity to be fallen ing productivity at work. I believe that the main reasons for this is due to unhealthy diet and poor working conditions in the office. In this essay, I will examine the causes of this phenomenon in detail and propose some solutions.
To begin with, one of the main causes of the problem is that people eat too much unhealthy food. This is because most of junk foods and prepared meals are cheaper and easier than cooking homemade food. Clearly, these fast foods >> 어떤 fast food 죠? is >> food 는 하나의 집합이므로 foods가 나올지라도 단수 취급합니다 cheap for reasons as they are not fresh and contain fake >> artificial flavours, which are mainly salt and sugar >> 소금과 설탕으로 만들어낸 맛이 가짜라고 하기엔 틀린 논리가 됩니다. Thus, people gain weight and suffer from the nutritional unbalance. To tackel this issue, the government should increase the tax on junk foods, but lower the price of vegetables and fruits,>> 콤마 빼주세요 in order to make it more affordable for people to cook, >> 콤마 빼주세요 healthy meals at home. >> 이 말은 가격으로 인해 사람들이 건강한 음식을 만들어 먹지 못한다는 말입니다
Furthermore, another major reason is that many people work, sitting in the office for a long time. In other words, they do not move very much and most of the day and feel too exhausted after work to exercise after work. According to the research conducted by the Seoul National University, 65% of office workers did not play sports or go to a gym at all for a month in 2013. Therefore, dealing with this problem involves bringing in a law to require an office building to have a sports facility and companies to subsidise some of employees' cost to use any sports centre for companies. >> 길어서 끊었습니다 It which would encourage people to work out more often and much easily.
To sum up, the responsibility for solving this issue mainly lies with the government. However, individuals should be more aware of the importance of healthy lifestyles and make an effort to improve their health.
마지막 결론 부분에서 의문을 낳네요 어떻게 향상시키냐는 의문을 낳죠 위에 본론에 모두 말했으니 결론에서 정리해주는 것이 필요합니다 쓰지 않아도 될 부분들이 보입니다 잘 봐주시구요 콤마 잘 봐주시고 다 쓰시고 논리가 맞는지 훑어보시길 바랍니다 논리나 근거 주장 등이 부족해보이긴 합니다 모호합니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다
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