First of all, young children who are learning other country’s languages have a great ability to adopt other country’s one and mainly play an important role to have perfect foreign language skills as same as native foreign language speaker. >>?? 문장이 너무 깁니다 주장은 한 줄~한 줄 조금 넘는 길이의 한 문장이면 충분합니다 다시 간단하게 생각해보시길 바랍니다 It is because young children those who are until below 13 years remains on their talented language acquisition >> can acquire quickly a language, compared to those who are over secondary school age. linguistic study theory for instance, human beings have optimized their period time for learning foreign languages without any obstacles, >> 콤마 빼주세요 since 가 뒤에 나오면 콤마 붙지 않습니다 since most linguistic systems learnt by mother tongue’s will make some distracts troubles to have other language’s different forms such as grammar, vocabulary, and pronunciation.>> 전체적으로 문장이 너무 깁니다 너무 많이 깁니다
On the top of that, living in a foreign country at an early age will give them some positive aspects, leading to have fortune and invaluable assets. Bilinguality is a conspicuously amazing ability to have jobs and opportunities. For example, most companies all around seek to hire an employee who has fluent foreign language linguistic skills for making great deal with other county’s business partners as well as they are willing to pay for a high amount of payment for their resourceful employees. >> ??
All in all, most students below post-secondary school have a lot of potential to learn foreign languages as above. If their abilities will be trained, they will have more income, fames, and exclusive chances>> 결론 절에는 If 가 쓰이지 않습니다 위에 쓴 것들을 정리하는 글인데 가정이 필요치 않습니다. (279words)
문법이 많이 약합니다 아닌 듯 싶지만 단복수형 등에서 굉장히 실수가 잦습니다 관사 쪽에서도 많구요 other 다음 복수명사는 기본 문법이구요 문장도 너무 길어서 설득력, 논리력 모두 떨어집니다 Task1 부터 써보시길 바랍니다 또한 테스크는 초등/중등 중 어느 학생들이 더 좋겠냐 하는데 초중학생을 하나의 범위로 묶어버렸네요