▶ Your Answer :
As the society is getting >> get 동사는 빼주세요 increasingly informative and the Internet technology has been enormously developed enormously, there are some people who think that museums and art galleries do not need anymore >> 한 단어입니다 뒤에 콤마 빼주세요, since everything is accessible via the Internet. However, I firmly believe that such facilities are absolutely needed in order to preserve legacy, to educate, >> 세개 이상 나열 중 마지막 항목 앞에 있는 and/or 앞엔 콤망비니다 and to entertain people. In this essay, I will enumerate reasons why I disagree with this topic >> 서론에선 this topic 식으로 뭉뚱그려 말하는게 아니라 본인의 포인트가 뭐라고 제대로 말해야 합니다 topic에 동의하지 못한다가 아닌 ~~~~에 동의하지 못한다고 말로 풀어서 써주세요.
First of all, these facilities such as museums and art galleries make it possible to conserve relics and art pieces at best in the best condition. In addition, even though we can search and accessible to appreciate them through internet in circumstances that is preserved, it is useless without existing them. In other words, we may only be able to watch them on the internet as history which used to exist, but not now, if they were not preserved on account of scarcity of museums and art galleries. >> 설명이 없고 in addition 으로 비슷한 듯 하지만 다른 얘기를 꺼내버렸습니다 설명 예시가 없는 주장만 있는 글이 됐네요 In addtion 부분을 살린다해도 적절한 설명도 없고 예시도 없네요
Secondly, these facilities can give entertainment to citizen and educate students.>> 주제는 하나의 의견만 잡아주세요 As you know, watching relics and masterpieces of art directly is directly much more helpful to learn for people than just searching them via the Internet. For example, as for me, to visit museums and art galleries intrigues me learning enthusiasm and sense of art. For instance, when I went to the National Art Gallery in seoul, I could learn a variety of genre of arts and it gave me inspiration to do my work as i am student majoring in architecture.>> 예시 두개가 중복됩니다 제가 as for me를 예시라고 본건 그게 예시 성격의 글이기 때문입니다 밑에 코멘트에서 말씀 드리겠습니다
In conclusion, I strongly insist that museums and art galleries are considerably important since these institutes preserve sinificantly crucial heritage in our life this world and give education and entertainment to people. So >>so also and or but은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 I definately oppose to the opinion that there is no need for museums and art galleries anymore.
각 문단 첫 시작은 한 칸 들여쓰고 시작해주세요 아직 에세이의 성격을 모르시는 듯 싶습니다 에세이는 논문에서도 적용되는 글의 형태입니다 논문에서 as for me 이런 말이 들어가지 않죠 모든게 3인칭적인 시점에서 people human beings 같이 쓰이지 I me our us 이런 말은 쓰이지 않습니다 예시에서는 가능합니다 그치만 주장 설명에선 절대 불가능입니다 또한 the Interner 은 I 대문자로 쓰이구요 본문은 하나 자체가 완전히 날라갔습니다 본문2는 예시를 두개를 들었구요 정말 좋은 글은 예시가 좋은 글이라는 얘기가 있을 정도로 예시의 역할은 단순한 부가 설명에 지나는게 아닙니다 본인 주장의 틀을 제대로 잡아주고 전달력을 최고로 높이는 역할을 합니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 4 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6 5.5 예상합니다 |