▶ Your Answer :
The marketing or promotion on the mass media has a
powerful influence in shaping our lives. Some people might depend on them for
information or entertainment so that it affects important aspects to us. I strongly believe that advertising may cause the loss of personalities/individuality/uniqueness among people due to the fact that the advertising is influential in many ways since they can spread culture and lifestyle.
The first area is group mind(??). Most of young people
who is are easily easy to become infected by their communities are copying the actor or
actress from the advertisement ing that they watched. As an example, the cell phone
called cookie phone became a huge trend all the rage among teenagers in Korea. The reason
why it became a fad was due to the a popular actress who was on in TV commercials at that time. Those who did not have the exact phone could have been excluding from the crowd and also become an outcast. The one who has not the phone might exclude from the crowd and it can lead the
outcast eventually. Using the influential actors drive the trend based on the
group mind.
Thus, this brings me to my second point. I would argue that as a
result cultural diversity people could be lost the cultural diversity through the public
announcement (???의미를 모르겠습니다). If we use consumed all the same products, all over the world would be
narrow and limited. This can be seen by the fact that we all shop for
comparable goods that people buy it. Moreover, the companies will try harder to
draw attention to sell their merchandises or services with technological
development such as the Internet bringing even more marketing.
In the final analysis, people need to realize that
we are not the same and respect other people's individual character. Clearly,
whatever we choose to will be reflections of our personalities.
Score: 5 Comment: 문법이 많이 틀리시고 문장이 어색합니다. 실제로 일부 표현들이나 단어들은 이해를 잘 못하시고 사용 하시는 것 같습니다. 주의해주세요. 에세이의 전체적인 내용은 좋습니다. 조금 더 cultural diversity와 lifestyle 에 대해서 이야기 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Introduction에 말해 주신 것 처럼 body에서 크게 두 토피이 나타나지 않고 있는 것 같습니다.
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