▶ Your Answer : People have different viewpoints about/concerning/regarding the type of education for students to be taught at universities for students. Although there are some advantages of studying several subjects are related to an individual's with their future jobs/career/occupation, I would argue that most university students should had better learn study the subjects that they want to explore. There are several benefits on studying actual skills to be helpful to get a job. Firstly, many companies are more likely to hire trained individuals person to put place in a field work as soon as possible. In the same context, students want to have a prominent company where that they have dreamed from since childhood earlier than others. So Thus, I think that the more students have got gain knowledge about working in an office, the sooner they would get a job. Despite the above mentioned advantages, I believe that undergraduate students need to study variously what they want to know instead of vocational skills. In one's entire whole life, for we working is just a means of having life and we need to have a broad knowledge.<(?? 문장의 의미를 이해를 못하겠습니다.) For example, some students want to study literature and other students hope to play musical instruments. These subjects do not make us earn moneys (money의 복수형에는 s가 붙지않습니다) but make us fascinated and joyful. Moreover, we can learn vocational skills at an academy for a job not a university. For these reasons, I argue that university students need to learn a variety of subject that they would like to explore. If they study what they want, they will know their talents well and it will help to have a proper job.
Score:4.5 Comment: 주장은 하나로 정하는게 좋습니다. Introduction에는 학생들이 원하는 전공을 공부하는데에 찬성 하신다고 하셨습니다. 하지만 body에서는 양쪽을 찬성하시는 argument 를 펄치셨습니다. 질문의 이해를 다르게 생각 하신 것 같습니다. 질문이 이야기하는 useful subjects는 회사나 전문직을 위한 수업들이 아닙니다. 미래의 사회가 곧 필요할 과학적이나 기술적인 이야기를 하고있습니다. 지금의 사회는 과학적이나 기술적으로 많이 발전하고 있기 때문입니다. 때문에 에세이의 반은 irrelevant 합니다. 문법 또한 어색한 곳들이 일부 있습니다. 조금더 어순을 공부를 하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 에세이 형식 또한 연결성이 없습니다. Transition을 더 자연스럽게 쓰는 방법이나 에세이는 outline을 먼저 써서 쓰는 연습을 하면 도움이 될것같습니다. |