▶ Your Answer :
It is common to hear
that all of us around the world live in one global town. In other words, many
countries and many people have been becoming identified with each other, which
began to appear happen from the 21st twenty first century. Although there are several drawbacks
in this phenomenon, I am in favor of changing into the same way (changing what? Specificity 조심해주세요) .
Here are a few negative
arguments for this change.<(이런 문장의 introduction는 필요없습니다) To begin with, every country has its own unique
culture and tradition handed down from generation to generation respectively. Moreover,
each offspring has a responsibility for of keeping them safe and turning them over for/to the next generation. However, young people tend to ignore their tradition and accept
other countries’ culture and tradition by purchasing items made from them haphazardly (다른 나라의 제품이랑 culture and tradition의 관계가 뭐인지 모르겠습니다. 아니면 어트게 culture과 tradition이 없어지는 모르겠습니다. 즉, 두 내용은 연결이 안되어있고 논리성이 없는 statement입니다) .
As a result, special, intrinsic characteristics of a country have been damaged
by non-sensible embracement.
Despite such a negative
perspective, I think that being similar with each other has more positive
things by being exposed to the same items made over the world. Firstly, due to
influence of neoliberalism, people can travel to another country freely and buy
products made from other countries, which enables people to accept other cultures their
culture without a prejudice<(how? in what point?). Moreover, such a massive change leads each country
to figure out that being isolated from other counties has been impossible,
which has had many countries cooperate each other by being open to others.
In conclusion, I think that if a lot of countries become similar, they
would be more cooperative than competitive, which would be better world.
Score:5.5 Comment: 설명이 더 필요한 에세이입니다. 서포트 보다는 그냥 statement가 주로 차지를 하고 있는 것 같습니다. 어순이 조금 어색한 부분들이 있습니다. 글을 쓰신후 proofreading을 하시면 고칠수있는 부분이라고 생각합니다. |