▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, there are numerous of new environmental and new technology. <내용 연결이 되지 않습니다>One of the problems due to development pollution is the animals are going
extinct. <(thesis statement가 clear해 보이지 않습니다)
Before 18th century, the industrial revolution,
there were much more animals. Even if there were a few animals extinct, it was
because of hunting for meat and fighting to keep people’s life and food, mostly
for people’s survival matters. But, it<(what is it?) changed. Because of environment
pollution, a lot of animals lose many animals lost their lives. Then, excessive farming destroys
animals’ habitat. Now, the amazon diminishes to become farms. Also,
industrialized fishing kills and catches even untargeted fishes and destroys
ocean’s food chain. Since the predators such as sharks and whales don’t have
enough fish to eat, those are in endangered now. Also, they often died of bad
water quality and from too much accumulated toxic in their bodies. These days,
more animals are going extinct because of human’s greed. <(unorganized and too much going on. 내용이 통일 되게 flow가 흐르지 않고 있습니다)
There are a few ways to stop and prevent
animals from going extinct. First of all, we require the government and the international
organizations to take on bigger actions. They have to invest more money to save
the animals, from protecting their habitat to monitoring illegal hunting and
fishing. We also need to stop harassing the earth and to be eco-friendly such
as recycling and saving water because saving endangered animals are not only
the activist’s job, but also everyone’s. So we should pay attention to these
endangered animals and do everything to save them.
Score: 4.5 Comment: 내용은 fair한데 정리가 잘 안되어있고 coherence가 조금 부족해서 흐름이 좋지 않습니다. 또한 conclusion을 써주시지 않았습니다. Essay에는 꼭 conclusion paragraph을 따로 써주셔야합니다. introduction paragraph에도 improvement가 필요합니다. 전체적으로 composition/organization에 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |