Topic: Some students take one year off between finishing school and going to university, in order to travel or to work. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
Korean people think that student have to only study. However, they are not there is not right. They Their don't<(formal essay에는 contraction을 쓰지 않습니다. 풀어서 써주셔야합니다) know what is important in their life.<need better coherence> We have to respect them what they want to do. So, I think that students taking take one year off between finishing school and going to university in order to travel or to work.<(so what? not a complete sentence)
First of all, time cannot be turned back is not turn it back. Some students don't know what they to want and that requires time for them to think need a time to think of themselves. We have to help them to get a chance in their life. If they find themselves to want something, they will go on their way without helping hand of people who like parents and teachers. Time will tell all of these things All of thing is time will tell. Secondly, to go to university is like taking the first step to society. Before they take the first step to society, they have to get a time to ready. In order to get a time to be ready, they will do a lot of experience like traveling or working. In addition, they will be strong by the experience.
As a result, I think it doesn't matter whether you are student or not. Life is venture or nothing. Of course, we give advice, but we cannot give conduct.<(??) Maybe, some students don't want to go to university. Therefore, we give time to get ready for taking the step to society. The important thing is that we believe them.
Score: 2
Comment: 글쓴이의 생각이 잘 전달이 되고 있지 않습니다. 질문 또한 답을 해주시지 않았습니다. 전체적으로 글쓴이의 결론이 무엇인지 잘 모르겠습니다. 또한 incomplete한 에세이 처럼 보입니다. 에세이는 주로 4~6문단으로 이루워집니다. Introduction - body 1- body 2- conclusion 이렇게요 . 또한 문장 구상에 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 이해가 안되거나, 말이 안되거나, 뜻이 전달이 안되거나, 잘못 된 표현을 쓰신 문장들이 많습니다. 그 외에는 coherence에도 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 질문에 대한 답을 정하신 뒤 글쓴이의 주장을 support/ reasoning할 내용들을 추려서 글쓰는 연습을 하시면 도움이 될 것 같습니다. 또한 아웃라인 형식으로 먼저 내용을 정리 한뒤 글을 쓰시면 도움이 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.