▶ Your Answer :
It is true that obesity is imposing a huge
burden both to the county and an individuals around the world. For the country,
obesity embarks several severe illness based on the high oil proportion in blood
and high pressure to ankle’s, making the countries' health insurance system to pay a
huge amount of money to patients causing monetary deficit to other major
departments of nation such as science, education, and security.<(too complex 내용을 나누거나 simplify하는 것을 추천합니다) In terms of
personal level, obesity even causes suicide. Unhealthy body makes a person to
be depressed and deprive a joy of many active exercises including choices in
his/her fashion style. <(need thesis statement) introduction에 나와야할 내용입니다)>In this essay, I will suggest two major
tactics to prevent obesity for a healthy life and a healthy country. First of
all, remedy should be started from schools. There are some researches on
obesity that, a person’s life long eating habit is formulated in his/her early
age. Thus, a child who is accustomed to oily foods and high-sugar beverages
like coke is easy to hold ones appetite until the end of life, causing obesity.<(말이 잘 안되는 내용입니다. 주어는 a child 인데 a child is easy to to hold ones...은 말이 안됩니다.) Therefore, schools should put their efforts to teach pupils a healthy diet with
proper exercises regularly without hesitation. An early education can change
the children at first, and can change the country at the end last.
Secondly, there is a governmental action to
people in needs. Large number of newspapers noted that it is easy for the low
income family to have an obese obesity family member. This can be interpreted that to an inequality
in income can bring an inequality in health. It is easy to imagine situations
of people in need who are forced to eat heath fast-foods without enough time and
money for healthier food options or joining fitness centers to register to fitness center. Thus, if a government strongly wants to
cure the obesity with an on-going and succeeding circle of unhealthy life of
low-income families, special support on the diet and exercise should be conducted
for the people in needs in multi-levels through schools, hospitals, and
community centers in a wide range of welfare system.
In conclusion, we can say that obesity is
not only a problem for a person, but also a problem for a country. Thus, to
cure the problems, first aid <(first aid는 갑자기 다쳤거나 병이 걸린 사람한테 주는 도움 이라는 뜻입니다. 문맥상 잘 맞지 않습니다) is very important which can be started from
schools through the power of education. And we should keep in mind that, a
disease called obesity is not even<(not even what?). It is hiding in the social disease called
inequality. Therefore, for a full recovery from the obesity, multi-dimensional remedies
in social levels should be added. Score: 6.5 Comment: 질문에 답은 좋고 내용도 좋습니다. 다만 문법상 틀리시는 곳이 있으십니다. his/her 보다는 his or her 이나 한 단어만 쓰시는 것이 좋습니다. 아니면 성별이 없는 명사로 가시면 더 좋습니다. 또한 이해가 잘안되는 문구들이 일부 있습니다. 그 부분들은 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 일부 문장들은 너무 깁니다. 그렇기 때문에 읽다가 헷갈리게 들리는 경우가 조금 있습니다. 내용을 조금 더 simplify하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현/reference을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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