▶ Your Answer : Computers have has been increasingly developed since it was invested, moreover it has been significantly effective to our society and today's life style. This It is why computer skills are is considered as to a fourth skill with reading, writing and Math. I absolutely agree that computer handling should be an essential subject of the current education. In the essay, I will further display the reasons why I agree that it should be a fourth skill. Firstly, in these days, learning about computers is a norm basic among people in order to follow the fast-developing society, particularly for the young generation. Whereas the older generation used to file the reports by the post or visiting the office, the younger generation uploads the majority of the report through by the internet. That is why learning computer skills must be one of the important subjects in the current education system. The high-developed technology has increasingly required us to get used to using it so as to be suitable for both a work and a studies. Since all of the tasks such as handling the documents or filing the reports is dealt through the new methods like the clouds (??), which is a the computer system saving the data in a the virtual storage, every child should learn the computer skills in a school. <(크게persuasive 하게 들리지 않습니다. 젊은 사람이 주로 인터넷으로 일을 보고 한다기 보다는 요즘 시대는 거의 이 technology를 쓰기 때문에 computer skills를 배우는게 문맥상 더 맞습니다. 또한 technology자체가 사람이 기기에 능하게 만드는것 보다는 시대가 발전한 만큼 사회에서 적용되는 technology가 많기 때문에 사람이 computer skills가 더 중요하게 필요한 것 같습니다.) Secondly, the relationship among not only individuals, but also businesses,especially the younger generation, has changed following to the development of the computer. The technology regarding the computer has been fairly influenced the society, which has been more globalized. To contact people who live in abroad, people used to take a long-period methods like a post or a mail, however, people are able to contact them instantly, moreover it is possible to translate as soon as they write or speak something by the computer function.<(한문장에 너무 많은 내용이 들어 가 있습니다. run on sentence 처럼 들립니다. 나눠서 쓰는 것을 추천합니다.) If a the child does not learn this kind of technology from when there are young, they might be not suitable to be acceptable for the following society. <(topic sentence에는 비지니스라가 주제지만 문단 내용은 globalized society에 더 focus가 되어있습니다.) In conclusion, since the world has changed time to time, the system, in particular the education, should be changed as well so that people have a essential ability for a new society which they will be faced. Currently, the biggest difference between backwards and forwards (???) is the matter of the computer, hence, I am totally convinced that a the child should learn computer skills as an the important part of education similar to reading, writing and math.
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 fair한데 문법상 틀리시는 곳이 많습니다. 문장을 나눠서 써야되는 부분들이 있습니다. 글이 300 글자가 넘기도 합니다. 시간안에 다 못쓰게 될 수 있으며 proofreading할 시간이 부족할 수도 있습니다. 내용을 조금 더 summarize해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 sentence-verb agreement/ singular and plurality/ 단어 형태/ article사용/ sentence structure에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 그 외는 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |
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