▶ Your Answer :
When it comes to entrance fees about exhibitions, there is a growing debate over whether people need to pay some money in the expense of enjoying cultural activities. Although allowing free admission can be justified in the name of equal chance to everyone, I confidently argue that we should pay charges for the development of cultural values.
글쓴이의 주장을 rebuttal하는 것 보다 두 의견이 이렇게 있다~ 라는 씩으로 에세이를 써주셔야하기 때문에 여기서는 문맥상 However를 어울리지 않는 다고 생각합니다.)>However, there are some people who to insist that free admission has benefits in many aspects. First of all, they say that every person people should be given the same chance to attend the exhibitions. Of course, we do not pay expensive prices when go to museums, but, some people can feel it as a big burden. So, some of us would be unlikely to be able to enjoy the cultural activities because they do not have enough money. In addition, if we open these exhibitions for with free of charge to everyone including tourists from all over the world, it would be a good opportunity to publicize it to the world. This is because travelers who have to save money prefer to enter free galleries. <(clear 하지 않습니다. 내용의 clarity에 신경을 조금 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
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Although it is nice also for me to look around priceless traditional treasure without charge, I think it is significant to express our respect about these worth as by paying some money. This is because many exhibition halls need much money to maintain and develop the level of expositions. If they have no financial foundation from entrance charges, it would be difficult to keep and continue fairs. Also, people would treat treasures more valuable than when they enter without costs. People tend to regard something as more precious when they cost some expenses. Therefore, it is necessary to be charged for entrance fees, even if it is a low price.
In conclusion, there are convincing argument both for and against about admission charges to exhibitions, but I am convinced that it<(what is it?) is essential for the development of our cultural standards and attitude towards display (?).
Score: 6 Comment: Organization를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Discuss both views 질문이기 때문에 topic sentence는 주로 그 관점이 무엇인지 써주시면 문단 내용을 그 관점을 reasoning/support하시는 내용들로 채우시면 될 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |