▶ Your Answer :
Recently, all of children used to spend much a
lot of time using playing computers that have gotten negative and positive effects. With
regards to this matter, some people insist that the children would have many
advantages from computers. However, some other people claim computers would give to negative effects to children when they get the disadvantage until their future <(???).<(thesis statement 가 안보이는 글입니다. 질문에 대한 답, 즉 글쓴이의 생각은 무엇인지 밝혀주셔야합니다)
(이 내용은 introduction에 가야합니다)>First of all, I strongly agree with the
statement that the children should use and learn from a computer to have an ability
of processing information, which makes the children organize fast. Also, the
children can get many a lot of information from computers. For example, computers
can provide the children with e-books and lectures from internet and be used as a dictionary when they search some words they do not know. In addition, computers
can give the children games with friends <(친구들과 함께 게임을 준다 라는 표현은 어색합니다), which can make them have closer relationships. be made to get them closed
with each other.
On the other hand, some people believe that
computers would have negative perspectives to children. If the children spend
too much time using computers, they can even lose their health such as visual
disturbance. In addition to health problems, they cannot focus on studying well
when they are exposed to computer games that used to kill people in computers.
It is possible to make problems with their friends and family. Therefore,
governments or parents should make regulations for children's future. <(조금 더 글쓴이의 의견이나 관점이 focus되면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
In short, I fully (여기에 동사가 와야합니다) the idea that advantages of that computers give children would be able to help children be a
forward-looking person. In the future, I predict that computers will be more
important equipment for people. <(Need improvement)
Score: 5 Comment: 전체적으로 clarity가 떨어집니다. 문법상 clear하지 않거나 불필요한 insertion이 있기때문에 이해가 잘 안되는 내용들이 있습니다. 그 외에는 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |