▶ Your Answer : In modern society, children are exposed to a harmful environment such as junk food and violent media. I strongly agree that schools have to be responsible for protecting students and leading them to have a well-being life. (Need better transition) Many research results show that the number of working mothers has increased in the past several decades. In the past, the role of mothers was important, because they spend most of their time on taking care of their youngsters. However, these jobs are transferred to schools as mothers are too busy to bring up their children all the day. <내용 연결이 안되고 있습니다> These tendency lets students today live an unhealthy life, for example, preference of having fast food to having healthy food and additionally spending their free time on playing computer games while their parents are working hard. This is the reason why the role of school education is important. <(importance/role of mothers/how students have an unhealthy life 보다는 왜 학교가 학생들에게 건강과 웰빙에 대해서 가르켜야하는지 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 부모님은 바쁘고 학생들을 주로 학교에서 시간을 지내기 때문에 학교에서 교육을 함으로서 좋고 건강한 습관이 생길수 있다 라고 해줄수 있습니다)
(Need better transition) Then, we can suggest two ways how schools can lead student's life to a better direction. First of all, schools have to educate youngsters about healthy food and make them feel fascinated with to healthy food by taking part in cooking classes. They could learn the importance of nutrition by making various healthy food on their own. Second of all, schools can encourage students to participate in physical education programs actively due to the fact that good physical health makes good mental health as well. What is more, young students can get used to exercise as positive habits in their ordinary life. Thus, these two methods can successfully lead the students to be healthy and have a well-being life.
Therefore, I concur in the opinion that schools have to teach students about health and well-being, because students can make good and healthy habits with well organized education system at school whether if their parents are busy or not.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 두 번째 문단에서 왜 학교에서 학생들을 health and well being life에 대해 educate 해야하는지 focus가 조금 떨업니다. 또한 전체적으로 coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 일부 silly mistakes에 주의를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |