▶ Your Answer : Music is closely involved in people’s life as various forms, and people enjoy music for their own reasons. <Need better coherence/cohesion> Some people insist that cultural music is more valuable than the international music which is widespread. <(질문에 대한 글쓴이의 주장을 thesis statement으로 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
To begin with, people need music for several reasons. Firstly, music has the power of enriching emotions of human and it is useful for many ways. For example, men are able to reduce stress by playing instruments, singing songs loudly or listening to their favourite music. Also, we can empathise feelings of songs. Secondly, music can be utilized as educational or medical tools like treatment for mental problems. Additionally, music is extensively played not only for individual purposes, but also societal purpose such as campaign songs or background of advertisement. (Need better transition) On the other hand, the traditional music has protected<(protected what?) and was passed down by inhabitants until today despite of being on the brink of extinction. It reflects the spirit of nation and should be treated respectfully. I strongly claim that the traditional music is far more important than other kinds of music from overseas with the following reasons.<(this should be clear in the introduction) Above all, the traditional music is heritage of a country and represents the history. Meanwhile, the international music which is listened by many people these days fades away like fashion. Sometimes modern music has vulgar lyrics or impacts negatively to teenagers who think tradition is boring. <(전체적인 coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
For these reasons, I believe that the authority should encourage people to respect and appreciate their traditional music as a treasure of the country, and besides, people have to make an effort to protect it which indicates national identity.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 질문에 대한 답들이 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 전체적으로 문장별/문단별 내용 연결성이 조금 떨어집니다. Coherence/transition/cohesion에 조금 ㅓㄷ 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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