▶ Your Answer :
There is a rising trend for couples having
no children and especially in developed countries. This essay will be discussed the
advantages and disadvantages about having no children. The primary advantage is
the amount of times instantly available to couples and the main disadvantage is
the negative effect to the economy. <(affect는 동사고 effect가 명사입니다)
Some benefits follow by having no children.
Among other several benefits from having no children, the extra time would be
the most noticeable benefits. If there are children, parents do more chores at
home because children are constantly wanting to play with them while creating a
mess. In other words, parents do not have enough time to spend for themselves.
According to Australian survey, regardless of the number of children in the
household, parents having children do more house chores compared to the
household without any children. Therefore, without children, adults can have
more of private times. <(advantages를 서술해주셔야하기 때문에 2개 이상의 장점을 서술해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In contrast, without having less children can affect
badly to the society due to lesser population. Since there is no childbirth,
the population would drop. The lesser population means that, there is not
enough workers in society, so that the nations will have to hire employees from
overseas. The foreign workers in a country would devaluate the local currency,
since there are is many a lot of local currencies in global market. The purchasing power
of consumer will decrease because the imported goods are becoming expensive due
to currency devaluation. The currency devaluation will hugely affect hugely to the
nation's economy which is difficult to grow. Therefore, the economic depression can be derived from having no
children. <(전체적인 coherence/cohesion이 부족한 문단입니다)
In conclusion, it<(what is it?) has benefits of more of
private time for adults without have children while it has drawbacks of
affecting the society negatively.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 전체적으로 글 정리를 조금 더 해주시고 coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용을 조금 더 summarize하시면서 글정리를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.수고 하셨습니다. |