▶ Your Answer :
There are many museums around the world and they exist are existed for various purposes. However, the admission fees are debatable
issues. This essay thinks <(이 에세이가 생각을 한다~ 라는 표현을 조금 어색하게 들립니다. 오히려 "I"를 쓰시거나 general하게 글쓴이의 주장을 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다) that the benefits of admission fees outweigh its
drawbacks because the maintenance for the museum is more important than open
access for the public. (Need better transition)
The main disadvantages of charging fees
are, limited access for a certain public. Mainly, a large proportion from
developing countries will limit their access to visit the museum. Many people
from poorer countries have money just for the food and shelter. Since they do
not have much money to spend for extra expenses except for the basic living
expenses, it would be difficult to pay for the exhibition entrance fees. Exhibits are the places for the external educational purposes other than
school. In Korea, children since kindergarten are visiting museums for extra
curriculum that they can learn about cultural values. Therefore, if exhibition
would charge for the admission fees, poor people cannot get further education. <(내용 연결성이 떨어지는 문단입니다)
Despite this, the museums cannot be
sustained without the money received from the ticket sales. The museums can
be operational with the financial support financially backed up. In order to operate the museum,
the maintenance is important such as cleaning, researching, investing and
acquiring of newer artifacts. All these maintenance fees can be difficult to
finance by the exhibition and the governmental support only. If there are
no-entrance fees, it should be financed by the governments, but it is not
enough to maintain the museum. In the case of Thailand Museum, as an example, it was opened for all the public while Thailand government supported for its
maintenance. However, due to the lacking of operational costs and difficulties
with the maintenances, the museum became demolished. Therefore, private ticket
sales can be used as the operating costs for the museum.
In conclusion, although some might say that
places to learn further about different knowledge <(incomplete clause), the maintenance of the
museum is too great and they should charge everyone to all.
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 summarize를 조금 더 해주시고 글 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 일부 내용이 repetitive하게 들리거나 연결성이 떨어집니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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