▶ Your Answer :
As society develops, the
technological devices also develops. Due to such development, there are
advantages and disadvantages aspects for this device. <(advantages와 disadvantages자체가 명사 이기 때문에 aspects라는 단어가 필요없습니다. 이 두 단어를 수식어로 써주실려면 명사가 아닌 형용사형을 써주셔야합니다) The advantages for
modernised communicating devices can be the faster, easier and convenient aspects
which are improving the standard of living for individuals. However, the
drawbacks such as psychological and physical damages are inevitable. Therefore,
the communicating devices can cause more harm than benefits so that, an
appropriate using manner is required.
There are several advantages
for modernised communicating devices. At the individual level, nowadays everybody nowadays can be able to make global friends easily and they can contact each other at
their convenient time. For the companies, especially multinational and
international corporations, are able to contact a various oversea departments
by this communicating device which provides the opportunities to conduct a
meeting or conference at a shorter time. Therefore, the development of
communicating devices is enabling the society to be linked together and can be
able to achieve the quality of standard of living. <(can 과 be able to 는 같은 의미를 가지고 있기 때문에 둘중에 하나면 써주셔도 될 것 같습니다)
Despite all those advantages,
there are several disadvantages of using modernised communicating devices. The
most obvious dark sides of using such modernised devices are the physical
damages. The apparent aspect can be the hunchback, eye sight, turtle neck
syndrome and backaches. Since young people are familiar with such device, that
they spend the most of their times devoted to such new ways of communication, and there is are a probability that there are a loss of loss of socialisation skills. This
indicates that people are addicted to the modernised communicating devices that
they may forget the traditional way of socialisation. This may result in the
psychological damage such as isolation and depression. Therefore, the
development of communicating devices can be causing several psychological and
physical damages that can block the physical socialisation.
In conclusion, it is common to
see that the development of technology has enabled the improvement of people's
lifestyles. This communicating device development helps people to achieve the
tasks at a faster, easier and convenient manner. However, the dark sides of such
development cannot be ignored. There are Physical, psychological and
socialisation damages may block the interaction between people. Therefore, it
is recommended that people should be aware of the consequences and use such
devices in an appropriate manner.
Score: 7 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 small mistakes가 많습니다. 문장구조/article 활용/어순/plurality/시제에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 그 외에는 조금 더 다양한 표현들과 references를 사용 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |