▶ Your Answer : It is true that the rates of crimes caused by adolescents are rising quickly in many countries. Some solutions could be proposed in order to deal with them. (Need better transition) There are some reasons why young people in their early teens 10’s commit crimes increasingly. Firstly, they are more curious that experienced adults <(?), thus they have a tendency to put in effect whatever they want to do at moments. <(unclear) Secondly, they are not much experienced and could not really make proper decisions, which means young people do not know whether what they do is moral or not. Finally, parents tend to, these days, both work and cannot help but leave their children at home, so they might not be able to get round to educating their children. In addition, some of parents neglect their children and leave them indulging in everything, so children therefore would not have to be on restriction. <(Clarity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시고 이유들을 조금 더 elaborate 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 첫번째 와 두 번째 이유는 왜 youth crimes가 increasing 하는지 보다는 왜 youth crimes 자체가 일어나는지 설명을 해주시는 것 같습니다.) However, if we pay paid attention to bring them up in an appropriate way, they could grow up with an ethical personality. In order to reduce the levels of youth crimes, it is so important to inform teenagers about what happens to lawbreakers. Furthermore, there are many criminals who have been rehabilitated and reformed, and, in a way, making adolescents take advice from someone who can speak from real experience might be a very effective and inspiring solution for young people. Also, governments should invest in education programs in school so that youth can be enlightened how dangerous and immoral crimes are. In conclusion, governments and individuals could come up with concrete concepts to alleviate the rapidly growing number of youth crimes, and those should be prevented.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 두 번째 문단의 clarity가 조금 떨어집니다. 그렇기 때문에 글쓴이가 전달하고자 하는 내용이 잘 반영이 안되는 부분도 있습니다. 또한 제시 해주시는 왜 youth crimes가 increase하는지에 대한 첫 번째와 두 번째 이유는 increase 하는 것 보다 youth crimes 자체가 왜 일어나는지 에 대한 이유 처럼 들립니다. Curious하거나 experienced하지 않기 때문에 youth crimes가 일어나는 것이지 increase 하게 만들지는 않는 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 influence from modern society's media (violence/crimes/action movies) 이나 lack of emotional,social, moral education from schools today because of focusing more on academics가 youth crime을 increase 하는 이유가 될 수 있습니다. 문법상 시제/article 활용/수동태 활용/collocation에 틀리시고 계시며 silly mistakes에도 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |