▶ Your Answer :
Many people feel that we are living in a
city with less closer and less friendly neighbors than before. There can be
numerous reasons for this, like increasing nuclear-family percentages and harsh
working conditions due to the continuing regression. However, I would like to
address this issue by using the term ‘space’, that is, our relationship with
neighbors is dependent on the space that we are living.
In the past In last days, we were are living in the houses and not
the apartments. While apartments only have entrances and elevators, the houses
we ensured were composed of gates, roads, common spaces and junctions. The difference
between the two types of accommodations is rightly ‘the space’ that can be
shared. We <(who is we?) used to meet our neighbors on the gates that is located right after
my house, we used to commute together to the bus stops when we met our
neighbors in the roads and junctions that connect many houses, and we used to
talk or drink together in the small tables below the tree we shared. As I depicted
above, the shared spaces made our relationship with neighbors. However, due to
the modernization, we had to live in the apartments that can provide citizens the
homes in a very restricted city area. <(왜 close하지 않는지를 묻고 있기 때문에 예전에 주택에선 살았을때 어떻게 가깝게 지냈는지 보다는 왜 아파트에서 살게 되면서 멀어졌는지에 focus를 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 조금 더 general point of view로 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. We 같은 표현은 최대한 줄여서 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
Then, if we cannot expand our city enough to
supply independent houses for millions of people, we should be focusing on the
space inside the apartment to improve contact between neighbors. The ordinary type
of apartment does not have common spaces that can make a natural contact. Thus,
we should connect the buildings of same apartment complexes through by linking bridges
that are ‘the roads and junctions of villages’. Adding to that, we should spare
some benches and trees in the middle of apartment complex or apartment building
entrances to make a shared space for living to enhance the contact naturally.
I know that we cannot turn our society back
to the good-old times when that we shared many a lot of things with our neighbors.
However, by managing spaces in modern apartments, we can grab small but
precious seeds of possibility to recover the connection between the people.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 두 질에 대한 다븐 좋다고 생각합니다. 하지만 두 번째 문단에서는 어떻게 가깝게 지냈었는지 보다는 왜 지금은 멀어지게 됬는지에 더 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 표현/시제/collocation/formality/article 활용에 신경 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 Body 안에서는 1인칭 표현(we, us, I)를 최대한 줄여주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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