▶ Your Answer : As With the advent of the modern society, the number of environmental catastrophes have happened more often distinctively different from the past. Most of all, this phenomenon is mainly occurred due to the environmental pollution as well as the excessive natural development. <Need better coherence/cohesion> People should pay attention to what results would be brought to humans in the near future.
There are a couple of critical reasons to this matter definitely. Firstly, global warming caused by environmental pollutants would be chosen mainly, which influences to the temperature globally rising every year. As the vehicles such as cars, trains and airplanes have been invented, these kinds of modern transportations started to emit exhaust gases that affect the nature to the natural badly, polluting the air condition with burning petroleum excessively. Secondly, as human beings began begin to develop the nature artificially with cutting trees and declaimed declaiming land <(??) to build constructions constructors, a large amount of natural habitats disappeared and this made many a lot of animals and plants lose loss of their habits habitats. In the end, this situation made the environment condition change to the unexpected. <(environmental catastrophe가 일어나는 general한 이유를 주신 것 같습니다. 질문은 왜 지난 20년간 greater amounts of environmental catastrophe가 일어났는지 물어보고 있습니다. 아마 예를 들어 차/기차/비행기가 invent되서 그렇다고 해주시는 것 보다는 예전 보다는 차/기차/비행기를 이용 하는 사람이 너무 많이 늘어났기 때문에 gas emission도 그 배로 늘어나서 그렇다고 해주실수 있습니다)
If this issue is would not be coped with adequately, humans will be faced a great deal of consequences in the near future. First of all, it is obvious that flora and fauna including humans would be extincted in the end because it is nearly impossible to adapt to the turned natural environmental condition such as earthquakes, heavy rain or strong typhoons. Furthermore, unexpected natural disasters can bring about economic loss in many countries globally. This is because when there are natural catastrophes in some countries, the number of tourists who visit those to that countries would decline and the national development of tourism will be hindered. Therefore, some countries that the countries that have tourism industry as their is the main income would be influenced and damaged directly.
In conclusion, when the catastrophes continue to happen due to environmental pollution and immoderate natures development, it would make creatures die out finally.
Score: 6 Comment: 질문에 대한 답이 fair하다고 생각합니다. 두 번째 문단의 경우 environmental catastrophe가 일어나는 general 이유 처럼 들립니다. 아마 내용을 have been invented, begin라는 표현을 써서 더 그런 것 같습니다. cars/trains/planes가 invent 된 시기와 사람들이 building을 만들기 시작 했을때는 20년 보다 더 오래전 일이기 때문에 이 이유로 environmental catastrophic events가 더 많아졌다고 크게 support해주지는 않습니다. 조금 더 recently 일어난 이유들을 주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 collocation/시제/표현/number agreement/문장구조에 신경을 써주시기를 바랍니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |