In modern society, some people assert that raising rising the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems. However, I strongly believe that this the measure cannot be the solution for these problems radically. It brings considerable chaos to people without ultimate solutions. It is necessary to develop clean energy or implement campaigns to increase the awareness of the public. This essay will outline the solution to solve this problems effectively.
To begin with, increasing the price of petrol cannot be the best way to solve these this problems. People would reduce to use bring their own cars immediately. However, they would complain and be suffered to afford the inclined petrol price. <Need better coherence> It is important that the government invests on clean energy fields to solve these problems. <Need better coherence> The petrol and fossil fuels have run out and the price of these energies have has become much higher. Thus, development of new energy which positively affects to the environment is the most vital. For example, solar energy, natural gas and wind force energy and so on.
In addition, it is evident that people utilize/use/commute with bring their own cars even if the price of petrol increased. Therefore, to solve the traffic problems, increasing people's awareness is more crucial. If people realize how serious much the traffic and the pollution problems are serious, they will try to reduce to use their private vehicles. <Need better coherence> The government should implement many campaigns which can encourage people to ride bicycles and use public transportation.
Overall, increased petrol price seems to solve the traffic and pollution problems. <contradicting/문제를 해결해주는데 문제가 지속된다는 것이 어색하게 들립니다> However, it is clear that these this problems will be consistent without raising rising people's awareness and developing new clean energy.
Score: 6
Comment: 내용은 fair하나 전체적으로 coherence가 떨어집니다. 문장별 내용 연결성이 떨어지기 때문에 clarity도 떨어집니다. Conclusion에서는 내용이 contradicting하기 때문에 글쓴이가 전달하고자 하는것이 unclear하며 글쓴이의 주장이 헷갈리게 들립니다. 내용 연결성/organization에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 number agreement에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 명사가 복수형이면 수식해주는 대명사도 복수형이어야 합니다. 그 외에는 표현에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.