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Excellence Excellent in life is the expectation one all of humans have in the world. To get it, some people do the best such as for taking a good job in mature age, and finding a suitable job to themselves is one of the ways. People would enjoy many things be enjoyed in workspace caused by something, include including job partners, management, and finance. Although, in the fact,Although some workers feel worst with their activity in office, there are many employees who feel satisfied worth with their work. Some employees get pressure from their an manager in their work area, and it would be uncomfortable to do their activity. According to the result of the survey of BPS, a government organization that has job description to collect information about civilization, provides data about a third of workers surveyed feel bored boring with their environment in office. It is caused by unbalance between job responsibility responsible and income that they receive, and then they would think to search consider another job. However, people, who feel is comfort with their job, receive positive effect in their life - happiness happy and delight. According to Kompas, a national newspaper in Indonesia that had surveyed 50.000 employees in some countries in 2012, was report 50% of workers interviewed feel wellbeing with their job. They are not feel stressed stressful with their activity in office because employers of their company give more achievement to them themselves when they do a great job. It makes workers spirit to doing do the greatest thing in their work. In conclusion, condition of job area influences to mood of employees. To build good relations in their company, employers should provide good management to their employees. functionary. It could develop their company and improve job enthusiasm of workers.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 5 modest user
문제는 직업만족도에 어떤 요소가 기여하는지, 모든 직원이 만족하며 일한다는 것이 현실적으로 가능한지를 묻고 있는데 글쓴이께서는 직업에 만족하는 사람의 경우와 그렇지 않은 사람의 경우를 나누어서 내용을 설명하고 있으므로 주제가 맞지 않습니다. 주제에 대해서 다시 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 품사나 수량표현이 틀린 부분도 신경써주세요. 수고하셨습니다!
아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현 - GR(Grammartical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성 |