▶ Your Answer :
There is no doubt that most children should
have taught the upbringing by their parents before they grow grown up. Wwith
regard to this issue some people may insist that women are is a better best parent than men.
Therefore, Ii agree with this contention as women have a is pivotal role in parenting parents for
their offspring.
Iit is true that in normal family, women can
have plenty of time with their children when fathers commute to workplace thus
mothers are normally more familiar with them. Therefore, moms always can
recognize anything about anything as what children do and what they eat whole day
without any disturbances such as call or order from boss in workplace as fathers do. Tthis phenomenon also leads moms to can understand more quickly and accurately accuracy than
fathers regarding the circumstances of their children. 엄마가 집에 있는 시간이 더 많다는 것은 맞벌이 가정이 아닌 경우에만 해당하기 때문에 적용범위가 너무 좁습니다.
In addition, as for fathers do not have
sufficient time to interact with their offspring rather than mothers because
fathers have to work for family at outside. In according According to a survey conducted
in Korea last year, most of fathers in Korea, they went to sleep straight way
after they got a home without conversation with their children because they got
enormous fatigue from social jet lag. Aautomatically, mothers have has to take care
their children. 앞부분 내용과 겹칩니다. 문단 구분이 무의미하게 느껴질 수 있어요. as well as, Also, in technical terms, women are is more concentrating on the
processing, while the men are is only aiming at about the outcomes. For in this reason,
children can feel be felt more comfortable from mother than their father. 여자, 남자가 각각 과정에 초점을 두고 결과에 초점을 둔다는 주장에 대한 ground가 필요합니다. 그리고 이것이 아이들이 편안하게 느끼는 것과 무슨 관련이 있는지도 설명할 수 있어야 해요
To conclude, it is clear that both parents can be give good parenting for their offspring but as for since fathers who cannot spend adequate
time with their children, whereas the mothers always stick together with them. Eventually, mother is a more crucial for children rather than father.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 4.5 limited user
본론 문단을 나눌 때 내용 구획을 분명히 해주시는 게 좋아요. 한 문단에서는 한 가지 중심내용만 담아야 CC가 유지됩니다. 남자는 일해야 하니까 집에서 보내는 시간이 부족하다는 설명은 요즘은 대부분의 가정에 적용하기 어려운 내용이기 때문에 설득력이 떨어질 수 있습니다. 다른 관점에서 이유를 찾거나 반대 입장으로 글을 풀어내는 게 더 유리할 수 있어요. 수량표현, 단어활용도 신경써주세요. 수고하셨습니다~!
아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현 - GR(Grammartical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성 |