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The bar graph represents the number of people who migrated migrates to Australia by of 4 distinctive occupations, namely; accountant, cook, computer programmer and engineer from 2009 to 2012. It is most noticeable that, the most popular occupation was accountant while the rest of occupations recorded the least popular applications by migrants. It is interesting to note that, accountant occupation experienced an increasing trend as well as computer programmer except for the periodic fluctuation. Meanwhile, cook and engineer had the decreasing trend. Accountant had the dominant number of applicants from migrants of about 6,000 people for the first 2 years. Then this number increased drastically to reach at its peak of 14,000 applicants in 2011 before and it plummeted back to the close to 6,000 migrants by 2012. Similarly, the computer programmer also experienced a peak in 2010 to reach at 4,000 migrants and had some periodic fluctuations to end at close to 3800 by 2012. Meanwhile, the cook and engineer recorded the lowest migrant applications of around 3500 and close to 2000 migrants, respectively in 2009 and they both experienced of decreasing the number of migrants. This steadily decreased The number for engineer decreased to reach at about 900 migrants by 2012, whereas cook declined continuously with a 2011’s odd rise to reach at about 3500, to end at 2000 migrants by 2012.
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전체적인 서술이 어색하지 않게 잘 이어져 있어서 좋았습니다. 비슷한 표현을 지양하고 생략 가능한 부분은 적절히 생략해서 '문법 다양성' 채점항목 점수를 챙기는 것도 좋은 전략이 될 수 있어요. 도표 설명 문제는 분량이 너무 많아도 감점요인이 될 수 있다고 하니 그래프와 비교하면서 꼭 필요하지 않은 내용은 정리해보시는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다! 아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현 - GR(Grammartical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성 |