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These days, more and more parents, who have young children, who do not attend a school yet are interested in letting their toddlers kids read a book. I would like to state how this these paradigm is essential for young children before they start attending school after they grown up. Also, I will explain some peoples, who got a great result in their life. What they learned when they were very young, and how they studied as well. <(저는 이런 말을 하고 싶다/이런 내용을 서술 할거다 보다는 이렇게 생각한다 라고 전달을 해주시는게 더 좋습니다. 또한 글쓴이의 주장에 대한 예시/support를 전달하시겠다고 굳이 쓰실 필요는 없습니다. 오히려 두 번재 질문에 대한 답 또한 전달을 해주시는게 더 좋습니다) First of all, reading is the basic skill of all other studies. If we could cannot read, we cannot could not understand anything. It means, on the other hand, if you can read something about new experience from other people, you can understand what they are talking about even if you have not heard about it that before.<(일반적인 reading skill에 대한 설명 보다 children's academic skills/performance 에 관련 되게 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다) For example, the Ethiopians, who lives in the hottest area in the Africa have never seen the snow, but they know about snow., such as what it is What is this, and how it is this made from, and even how the people feel when it falls down to the ground <(little unclear). The Africans experienced the snowingthrough the books which are written by other another people who live in theopposite side of the earth from the Africa.<(마지막 문장은 이 문단의 주제와 관련이 없어 보이기 때문에 굳이 필요한 문장은 아닌 것 같습니다. 또한 전체적으로 reading skills가 왜 일반적으로 중요한지 보다는 아이들의 academic performance에 reading skills가 어떻게/왜 중요한지 서술 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 reading skills가 낮은 학생들 보다는 더 빨리 배운다/도움이 덜 필요하다/글을 읽을 수 있어야 무언가를 배우기 시작할 수 있다 등등 이 있습니다) On the other hand, playing outside is also one of the most important behaviors/activities for toddlers/young kids/ the young people. <Need better coherence> In fact, experience is the best teaching for the people, and when we do something at outside, we always could see more than we expected. For the young children, everything at outside is their teacher, so they can learn more than they stay in their home. For instance, the children, who spending their time at outside longer than inside are smarter than the kids, who reading a book all day in their home.<(how does this affect later academic achievement of kids?) In conclusion, it is important that reading a book readings skills/being able to read is very important to young children before they attend school, so they have to read even they are not in the elementary school. It makes the children have a plenty of indirect experiences. Indeed, playing outside is the other essential factor thing because it gives the children many a lot of direct experiences. Firsthand experiences never betray you.
Score: 5.5 Comment: Body 내용을 조금 더 children's academic performance/skills/achievement에 관련 있게 서술 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용이 조금 모든 사람에게 해당이 되는 일반적인 issue 처럼 들립니다. 문법상 틀리시는 곳이 많습니다. 표현/formality/article use/subject verb agreement/word choice/ 문장구조/punctuation/preposition use/시제/number agreement/에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 또한 you/we 같은 1인칭이나 2인칭 표현을 너무 자주 사용하시는 것은 추천하지 않습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다! |