Some say that engaging in international aid organizations by celebrities can problem less important (여기는 동사가 하나 들어가야 합니다. 아마 실수로 빼먹으신 것 같네요.) while others think that celebrities who participate in those organizations attracts more ordinary citizens other people more.
On the one hand, celebrities who engage in those organizations can give people a bad impression since many people think that it is just for making a good image. This is because many celebrities already used international volunteering in the means of releasing their bad impression to people. It leads to people gaining can have an impression that supporting the international aid organizations is not important. 3 years ago, in Korea, many people blamed the politician who supported international organizations just to attract more votes for getting a lot of votes and it made people stop supporting those organizations.
On the flip side, nevertheless of the disadvantages, many people believe that celebrities who support the organization can attract numerous people in many countries and recommend other people to support as well. (이 밑의 문단과 구분될 이유가 없긴 한데, 아마 모바일로 입력하시면서 실수로 구분된 것이겠죠?)
As social network services developed, many celebrities have a lot of more followers in social media than a small country's population and if the celebrity supports the organizations, it leads to significant effects to other people. Many celebrities also lay advertising impact to engage in volunteering to their fans. There is a very good example that famous singer’s fan in Korea joined the international volunteering program to assemble the singer who already joined in the same volunteering. (윗 문단의 정치인 관련해서도 비슷한 문제가 있는데, 여기도 그저 앞서 했던 말을 '한국' 만 붙여서 반복하는 것에 지나지 않기 때문에 크게 의미를 가지지 않습니다. 이를 보완하기 위해서 더 구체적으로 들어가주셔야 하는데, 예를 들면 'A 아이돌 가수의 팬들이 자신들이 응원하는 가수의 이미지를 좋게 만들어주기 위해 같이 봉사를 하면서 ~~~ ' 와 같이 훨씬 더 파고 들어갈 수 있어야 해요. 그래야 TR 쪽에서 점수를 받으실 수 있습니다.)
In conclusion, some celebrities uses the international aid organizations to make a good image. However, I firmly believe that supporting the organizations by celebrities is also an imperative element to attract more people and encourage people to support that as well. (저 지워진 내용을 대신해서 주장에 대한 근거를 짧게나마 적어주세요.)
총평: 5.5 (5/6/6/5)
현재 본론에 대한 근거들이 구체적이지 못하다는 단점이 있습니다. 특히 예시를 작성할 때, 앞에서 했던 말을 비슷하게 돌려말하지 말고, 앞서 했던 말에 대해 더 구체적으로 파고 들어갈 수 있도록 해주세요. 이때 '이유' '동기' 와 관련해서 주목하면 조금 더 편하실 겁니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)