Nowadays it is common for people to get
married and have children in their thirties rather than when they are younger.
Do you agree or disagree that this trend will benefit society?
As the economic crisis has not fully recovered for many years, people tend to get married marriages in their thirties unlike the last few decades, influenced by their financial conditions and social stability. This phenomenon can have be a positive impact on society for two reasons because well-educated children can render the society better in the longer term.
As a the person gets older, he/she tends to become wiser having through life experiences (누적되면서~라는 표현을 넣어주시는 것도 괜찮습니다.). Because of Since this inherent characteristic in the human being, the older parents can teach and educate their children more wisely, which helps children become mentally stable causes the stable mentality of children after all. On the other hand, the young parents don’t do not (줄임말 사용은 지양해주세요.) have enough experiences how to deal with complicatedly intertwined personal problems properly such as getting fired from their jobs, shortage of budgets, and finding their homes. Since struggling with those problems, they are likely not to care about their children enough. Or, even worse, they could abuse, commit violent actions or words to the children on purpose of letting their steam off.
Furthermore, older parents can give more opportunities to the children based on their financial stabilities. In general, in the thirties, the parents are in the well-paid period in their whole careers, which leads to stabilizing the financial conditions. Based on that financial richness, the children can learn what they want and experience diverse educations including hands-on scientific workshops, painting classes with prestigious painters, and appreciating classical music concerts in other countries. In the longer term, those experiences render the children to gain have broader perspectives so that they the children can grow up as decent persons with well-balanced knowledges to contribute to society.
In conclusion, I believe that marriages in the older ages compared to the traditionally accepted ages are quite better to society.
총평: (7/7/6/6)
내용상으로는 훨씬 깔끔하네요. 서론은 앞으로도 능동적으로 스스로 작성해주시면 되겠습니다. 문법의 경우는 단기간에 해결되는 것이 아니므로 꾸준히 학습해주시면 되고요. 어휘는 대체로 괜찮았는데, children 이 너무 자주 반복됩니다. 동의어가 정말 많은 표현 중 하나이며, 대명사의 사용 역시 충분히 가능한 선택지이므로 이걸 적극적으로 활용해주세요~최소 절반 정도는 대체해주셔야 합니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
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지난 답변 감사드립니다! 지난 피드백에 따라 템플릿을 적용하지 않고 서론을 작성했습니다. 287