-------Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language can cause severe social problems as well as practical problems.-----
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When it comes to settling in another country where you (2인칭은 구어의 축에 속하기 때문에 사용하지 않는 게 좋습니다. 설령 지금과 같이 논제에 2인칭이 있다고 하더라도, 충분히 패러프레이징을 통해 대체가 가능하죠.) can not speak mother tongue, there is a growing debate over whether language leads to several problems in society and individuals. Although unknown their's words would not be able to create some problems, but language is the most important way to coexist with them. (여기는 어떤 의미로 적어주셨나요? 댓글 주시면 확인하고 수정해드리겠습니다.)
A case could be put forward that if people who live in abroad can not speak the theirs language of the foreign country, it is able to lead to some social problems. One The one of the problems is language barrier. It could separate be divorced people who are not native speakers from the community. This is because groups that share the same language may avoid other language groups. In addition, there is limitation of economic activity. The inability of speaking language is more likely to difficult to get a job. (여기는 practical 쪽으로 넣어주셔야 합니다.)
As far as realistic issues, they (문단에 처음 등장하는 대상이 대명사로 쓰이지 않도록 해주세요~) would be impolite. In the field of language, meaning of words can change depending on situation. By speaking wrong words it can make trouble mutually. Also, some non-native speakers feel all alone. When making a relationship, communication should be the most important requisite. There is no doubt that to create deep relationship needs to intherchange mutual thoughts thinking and opinions.
For the reasons mentioned above, I totally agree with the opinion that incapability of speaking a second language generates some problems because I believe that ability of talking in a foreign their own language is closely related to the quality of life.
총평: (6/6/6/6) 6.0
문법 점수를 매기기 되게 애매했는데, 이는 현재 글의 문법이 7점의 요소와 5점의 요소를 동시에 갖추고 있었기 때문입니다. 나름 다양한 문장들이 사용된 반면, 이들의 정확성은 조금 떨어졌습니다. 여하튼 오류가 있다는 사실은 분명하므로, 시험 전까지 문법은 꾸준히 학습해주세요!
+내용 관련해서, 현재 사회적인 문제들과 practical, 즉 일상적인 문제들 간 배열이 깔끔하게 되었다고 보기에는 어려울 것 같습니다. 서로 뒤죽박죽 섞여있는 상태이므로, 이걸 다시 한번 정리해보세요~수고하셨습니다 :)