Some people say that governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems to help people prevent illness and disease. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is true that housing troubles and environmental pollution cause people
to suffer from ailments. As a result, many people argue that the government has have
to spend budget on solving environmental and housing problems to prevent people
from diseases. I agree somewhat with this viewpoint, however, it can not be a
complete solution.
First
of all, there is no doubt that environmental contamination and unhygienic
surroundings make people (혹은 to become sick 도 가능은 합니다. 그런데, 가능만 합니다.) to sick. The air pollution has a detrimental influence
on people’ health, especially for the respiratory system. Furthermore, numerous
people in developing countries suffer from the lack of clean water which is the one
of the serious problems in the world. Meanwhile, it is obvious that unhygienic
housing condition contributes to spreads of contagious diseases such as
Malaria, which was transmitted by mosquitoes. Therefore, the government should
concentrate on actions to enhance the quality of housing condition and reduce
the environmental pollution.
However,
the government can not achieve the healthy society only (서론에서 적어주신 점을 고려했을 때, 이 only 가 들어가는 것이 정말 정말 중요합니다.) with those activities and
should make more efforts with other measures. One of possible actions to improve
the health condition of inhabitants is to establish the systematic healthcare
industry. The government, for instance, can construct a lot of hospitals in
each city and give financial support to universities which play an important
role on the training of healthcare workers. Moreover, the state should provide
vaccines to citizens which may prevent them from ailments in advance and
encourage the public to aware the importance of the public health by using campaigns.
In conclusion, the efforts to manage environmental contamination and surrounding problems are important but, not the only way to prevent people from diseases. Therefore, I opine that the government should pay more attention to the healthcare industry generally and attempt to inform the awareness of the public health to citizens.
항상 감사합니다. 새해 복 많이 받으세요:)
총평: (7/6/7/7) 7.0
dgns님도 새해 복 많이 받으세요!!
따로 적어드릴 내용이 없어서 잠시 TR/CC에서 8-9점으로 가기 위한 심화 수업을 드리겠습니다.
지금 서론에서 논점에 대한 어느정도 중도의 입장을 취해주셨습니다. 그러면, 엄밀히 따졌을 때, '환경 및 주거 문제가 ~에 대한 유일한 해결책은 아니다' 라고 작성할 때, 그 유일함이 아닌 것에 대한 떡밥을 미리 던질 수 있어야 합니다. 아무런 설명 없이 그냥 '환경 문제 말고 병원 건설 등에도 신경써야해' 라고만 적을 경우 그 주장의 정당성이 확보되지 않은채로 글 전개가 이루어져버립니다. 그렇기 때문에 미리 본론 1에서, '하지만, 환경과 주거에만 집중했을 때 ~~와 같은 원인은 ~~한 이유로 해결이 되지 않기 때문에~~' 등의 문장을 넣어서, 본론 두 번째 문단에서 본격적으로 제시될 사항의 정당성을 부여해주는 것이죠.
단, 만약에 그냥 100% 동의, 혹은 100% 비동의를 고르셨으면 애초에 이런 걱정은 하실 필요가 없었습니다. 그렇기 때문에 저도 후라이드/양념 이론 등에서 한 쪽에 몰아주는 걸 그렇게 강조드리는 것이고요.
제가 말씀드린 내용은 어차피 8-9점 받아야 하는 거 아닌 이상 별로 중요하지 않으니까 그냥 참고만 해주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)