문제 :
Some students decide early in life to pursue vocational careers that involve cooking and baking. For them, it is better to study their chosen occupations in high school rather than regular subjects.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
답변 : In recent times, taking up occupation is getting harder so, 'a permanent job in one's life' is becoming an old story now. Thus, the meaning of occupation is also changing. Its meaning is becoming more lighter than in the past. However, I disagree with the argument that claims to study subjects related to student's chosen occupations in high school rather than a regular subject is better. There are three reasons for my opinion.
First, the curriculum if general high school is the essential curriculum, not the professional. The curriculum includes some information that people should know regardless of what field they would work in the future whatever is one's job.
The next reason is middle high school students need more time to find out their interests and aptitude. Even though the meaning of occupation is lighter, an occupation is still an important thing in our their life. Thus, we they should be serious when they we choose an occupation. Yet, the period of high school is too middle school age is too early to decide their occupation themselves.
Finally, students who decide to take up occupations earlier can learn something to help vocational careers even they study regular subjects. There are lots of programs outside of school, so I think they use these opportunities is the better choice.
To sum up, the general high school curriculum includes essential knowledge to live life, and middle high school students are too young to choose their future occupations. They need to be more serious. Therefore, I disagree with the argument. Nevertheless, students who think to study regular subjects is reducing time and not helpful to their future then it's a better way to study their chosen occupation in high school. (제언을 할 필요 없습니다. 그냥 본론 요약에 충실해주세요!)
총평: (5/5/6/6) 5.5
일단 task 1은 원래 누구나 어려워하는 거니까 당분간 배제하고, task 2만 봤을 때 조지민님의 경우 영어 자체에 그렇게 큰 문제가 있는 건 아닌 것 같습니다. 단, 이에 비해 글 작성 요령에 있어서는 미흡한데, 다행히도 후자는 첨삭을 통해 충분히 개선할 수 있는 사항이고요.
일단 지금 엔터를 너무 많이 치고 계신데, task 2에서는 정말 특별한 경우가 아닌 이상 문단은 총 4개만 만든다고 보시면 됩니다. 제가 임의로 수정해드렸는데, 다음부터는 서-본1-본2-결의 구조를 갖춰서 작성해보세요!
또한 본론을 3개로 짧게 구성하는 것은 근거 전개에 전혀 도움이 되지 않습니다. 본론이 3개 있는 거 자체가 문제는 아니지만, 지금처럼 각 본론이 별다른 설명 없이 넘어갈 경우 아무 의미를 갖지 못해요. 두 개만 갖춰도 충분하니까 대신 각각에 대한 부연설명을 넣어주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)