The diagrams below show the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.
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Some people says that the popular hobbies are just a short trend, and change easily as time goes. Therefore they have nothing to do with people's real interests and tastes. I only partially agree with the argument for the following partially and there are the reasons.
On one hand, many hobbies seem like just a trend, and their popularity does not last long, changing quickly shortly. Some people choose their hobbies just because many people already enjoyed them. As By following the trends, they feel comfortable and safe, and individuals' tastes and interests are not that important. Regardless what they are really want to do, they are satisfied with the fact that they belong to the majority and trends. For example, inline skating was really popular in Korea a decade ago, but nowadays only a few people enjoy it. Instead more people like to ride eletronic quickboards (저도 킥보드에 대해서는 정확히 모르는데, 이거 kickboard 가 아닌가요...?) because many people ride them.
On the other hand, there are also many people who enjoy certain hobbies for their whole lives no matter what other people like or not. Individual intrests and tastes differ from person to person, some hobbies provide them with endless happiness and joy. For people who enjoy this sort of hobbies, trends or vogue are not important, and they just concentrate more on what they are really like. For example, collecting stamps are not that popular today, and less people enjoy it. However, still some people enjoy collecting stamps and are willing to spend their leisure time for it because they think it is a real fun.
In conclusion, some people enjoy their hobbies just to follow trends, but others really love their hobbies and enjoy them for a long time. Therefore, I partially agree with the idea that hobbies are only a trend and they can not tell about people's real interests.
총평: (7/6/7/7) 7.0
잘 써주신 편이고, 몇몇 자잘한 오류만 수정해주시면 되겠습니다. 결론의 경우 hobby 가 세 번이나 쓰이는 등, 글 전반적으로 조금씩 동어반복의 잔재가 있으니 주의해주시고요.
7점 필요하시니까 한 가지 추가적인 조언을 드리자면, 연결어에 대해서는 너무 과하게 의존하지 않는 것이 좋습니다. 원어민의 입장에서도 연결어가 남발되면 글이 되게 인위적으로 보이므로, 최대한 이를 줄이고, 반드시 필요한 경우에만 써주시는 게 좋아요. 그게 CC에도 영향을 끼치고요. 가령 본론 두 번째 문단의 2/3번째 문장이 이걸 깔끔하게 해낸 문장의 축에 속합니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
어린뿔