The pie charts below give information on the ratio of participation on cultural and leisure activities of children’s by sexes. In general, male children are enjoying competitive activities while female children prefer soft activities. (특징을 잘 잡아주셨지만, 차이점 외에 공통점도 있습니다. 그러므로 '비록 몇몇의 공통적인 부분도 있지만, 남자 아이들은~~하는 반면 여자 아이들은~' 쪽으로 수정해주시면 금상첨화입니다.)
To be specific, the sum of proportion of competitive activities that have a winner and loser in boy group is 77%. Among them computer game is taking the biggest proportion with the figure of 34% while basketball and soccer are following with the figure of 26% and 17% respectively. Meanwhile, the sum of percentages of self-playing activities like skateboarding, listening to music and reading are small, less than the figure of computer games in boy group.
With regard to the girl’s statistics, indoor and soft activities like dancing and reading are holding 27% and 21% of the survey answered respectively. Computer games, which was the biggest type of activity answered among boy group only holds 16% of figure in girl group. After the above noted three big major activities, girls are enjoying netball, gymnastics, and listening to music in sequence.
총평: (6/7/7/7) 7.0
다른 부분이 워낙 깔끔한지라 7점에는 도달할 것으로 보이지만, 조금 더 안정적인 점수를 위해서는 분석의 내용에 더 신경써주셔야합니다. overview 에서도 그렇고, 특히 세부적인 분석을 하는 두 문단에서, 남녀 아이들 간 '공통점' 에도 주목할 수 있어야해요. 컴퓨터게임, 독서, 그리고 음악 감상은 성별과 관계없이 드러나는 항목이므로, 이 정보는 꼭 넣을 수 있어야합니다. 그래야 다방면에서의 분석이 되는 것이고요. 수고하셨습니다 :)