As the shape of family had been changed to a dual-income family, parenting
by grandparents become a solution to raise children. Some people argue that
family members should take care the youth while others assert that it should be
given by professional organizations. In this essay, I will discuss both views
and suggest my own view (바로 앞에 있으니까 얘는 대체해주세요~).
It
is true that childcare by grandparents became a common practice since parents can not spend enough time to grow up youngsters because of excessive work.
Parenting by grandparents has a positive effect on the development of children.
The youth can enhance the communication skills with different age groups which
is one of the most required abilities recently. Moreover, grandparents can provide
useful information or customs which has been conveyed from the ancestors and it is hard
to achieve in contemporary society. Meanwhile, children who were grown up by
grandparents would become a polite person since they were taught the attitude
needed in the conversation with others.
However, abilities of grandparents are not
sufficient enough (안 넣어도 문장 성립에 영향은 없지만, 그래도 msg 차원에서 넣어드렸습니다.) to raise their grandson because of the lack of physical fitness. That
is why many parents send their children to childcare centers. Most of professional
organizations have a concrete system to grow up the youth using facilities and equipment
that are suitable to educate them. Furthermore, in organization, a number of tutors
who are well-educated throughout numerous training courses and field experiences
work for only children with professional knowledge. Therefore, sending young
people to childcare center creates a good influence on the development of them
in both physical and academic perspectives.
In conclusion,
while grandparents can provide practical education to the youth, I opine that
parents should send their children to childcare organization which can raise
them in systematic ways and it may reduce the burden of grandparents.
총평: (7/7/7/7) 7.0
잘 써주셨습니다. 여기서 더 나아가기 위해서는 본론에서 여러 개를 짧게 나열하는 쪽보다 한두 개만 상세히 설명하는 방향으로 틀어주셔야하지만, 어차피 8점이나 막 이렇게 필요하신 게 아닌 이상 굳이 힘을 들여서 그러실 필요는 없고요.
한 가지만 말씀드리자면, 지금 들여쓰기 해주실 경우 조금 더 확실하게 해주시는 걸 권장드립니다. 아니면 아예 들여쓰기 없이 엔터 두 번으로 문단을 나눠주시는 것도 괜찮고요. 뭐가 됐든 조금 더 확실하게 '여기서 문단이 나뉜다' 를 보일 수 있어야해요. 수고하셨습니다 :)