▶ Your Answer :
There might be some opinions over the argument if which is punishment is necessary to educate the difference between right and wrong for children. As far as I am concerned, I strongly disagree with this opinion regarding the effective education at early age. The following paragraphs will explain why punishment from parents and teachers should be banned to students.
Firstly, punishment is not the only way to teach children what is different between right and wrong. If children get enough care they deserve at schools and home, they will try to find what is acceptable. <(what do you mean by acceptable?) Because people enjoy getting accomplishment and developing successful social life, historically, love and care are the most important and basic factors of parenting and teaching. After being surrounded surrounding by a comfortable environment and emotional bonding, children will seek the ways to be loved again and again because they do not want to lose their precious relationship. Sometimes, they will succeed, but sometimes they will not. However, this is the important moment for teachers and parents to encourage them. Children who has the strong emotional bond and trust with their instructors tend to not to give up easily, and this experience in their childhood will be the essential of their way to learn in their entire life. <(has no relevancy or specificity. of no value내용 처럼 보입니다. topic sentence가 punishment만이 방법이 아니다 라고 해주셨기 때문에 다른 방법이 무엇이 있는지 서술해주시면 됩니다.)
Secondly, any kind of punishment should be banned at schools and home. <이 두 문장은 콤마로 연결해서 쓰셔야합니다. because라는 단어로 문장을 시작하는 것은 추천하지 않습니다>Because of the reason punishment is not education and it is just violence violent. People are not perfect, even teachers and parents. They are just grown-ups, not perfect individuals. It means that they also make mistakes and have emotions. There are thousands of researches and legal cases related to the violence to children. It is too dangerous to allow any kinds of punishment which might be used to justify physical or emotional violence to children. Many psychologists have been warning that critical mental violence hurt can affect on a person’s entire life. Moreover, there are some researchers who mentioned that punishment looks like the fastest way to educate because children are aware of making mistakes in front of educators. However, they will not do in the same way when there is no one who can punish them. More serious problems of choosing punishment to educate students is that it is more likely killing their ability, creativity and performance. Just controlling students with fear and hurt cannot make creative and active learners. It has only short term effects, rather than practical in long term education.
Score: 3 Comment: 일단 글쓴이 말대로 너무 깁니다. 250~300 글자수를 추천합니다. 너무 길면은 에세이를 다 쓸 시간이 없을 뿐더러 proofreading할 시간도 없게 됩니다. 한 문단당 4~6문장 정도로 유지 해주시는게 좋고 너무 많은 내용은 주실 필요는 없습니다. 중요한 정보만 주시면 됩니다. 글쓴이의 지금 에세이는 too wordy하게 드리고 get to the point하지 않습니다. 또한 conclusion이 없는 에세이입니다. 내용상 relevancy 가 많이 떨어집니다. 즉 질문을 잘 대답해주고 있지 않습니다. 또한 coherence도 많이 떨어집니다. 문장별 연결성에 대해 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 아웃라인 형식으로 내용정리 연습을 하신후 에세이를 쓰지면 도움이 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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