▶ Your Answer : Compared to ten years ago, children do not seem to hang out with their friends in playgrounds. Instead, they usually are stuck in their room with their computer. In my opinion, this is totally true, but this phenomenon is not because they are spoiled. It is because the world and the society has been changed. Obviously, life ten 10 years ago is much a lot different from the life of 2016. This difference can be found easily when I compare my childhood with my younger brother's childhood who is 11 years younger than me. (영어는 절대로 숫자로 문장을 시작하지 않을 뿐더러 숫자 1~10은 글로 써주셔야합니다.)>10 years ago, my daily life was simple : go to school, go out with friends and come back home to have dinner. I spent, not only I but Almost every child at that time, more than 80% of my spent their free time outside with my friends. However, my brother's daily routine is also simple : go to school, come back and have a seat in front of the computer until dinner. He usually does not spend much of his time with his friends, nor outside. There are many tons of exciting games in computers which are enough to replace the fun of going out. Moreover, nowadays, children make an appointment to meet online to play games together. In this way, they spend alot more hours sitting in their room playing games on the computer. On top of that, the development of the IT technology allowed children to study online. They are not only playing games with computers, but also studying. For example, I did not have any homework which should be done with computer, but my brother has got too much homework to do online. Plus to that, he does not go to a private institute but just take some additional courses online. This is very common nowadays. So obviously children spend more time in front of the computer than socializing off-line. For these reasons I fully agree that young students these days spend less time with their friends than with their computers. <(Can improve)
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 1인칭을 피해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 informal 한 표현을 조금 쓰시고 계십니다. 전체적으로 글 정리를 해주시면 더 좋은 에세이가 될 수 있다고 생각합니다. 시간을 보낸다는 spend time이라고 해주시면 됩니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |