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Improving
schools is the best way to advance a country.
There
are some people who think that increasing school's quality is the top priority
to develop a country. However, in my opinion, it is not effective to invest monetarily
and, furthermore there are a number of crucial elements to make more an advanced
countries by focusing on new infinite energy sources.
To
begin with, in most of >>of 가 들어가면 한정을 시키게 됩니다 countries, respective governments have concentrated on
improving educational levels either by employing well-known teachers and
establish free schools for underprivileged people. However, even though >> even though가 들어간다면 완전한 절이 와야하며 그 뒤에 또 다른 주절인 완전한 절이 나와야 합니다, in an
effort to be high quality of education, this movement has not stretched>> been expanded가 더 좋겠네요 to help
in order to be an advanced country. According to a research by CNN, even if the>>항상 the와 같이 다닙니다 government는
government of the >> usa는 the와 같이 다닙니다 USA pointed out the importance of citizen's education by
improving universities, unfortunately, a reported education department said that
after calculation >> analysis가 적절합니다 calculation은 수학에서의 계산 등입니다, income could not overtake an invested >> 형용사인 분사는 명사 앞에서 수식합니다 amount invested. This an
example shows that making an investment is not the most crucial method, but the
other methods like establishing landmark or cooperating >> 앞과 함께 ing 병렬을 만들어주세요 with major companies to
promote countries by creating more profits.
On
top of that, the best way to be an advanced country is to exploit a substitution
instead of fuels. Nowadays, with the advent of fuels, people have numerous benefits
in >> of being comfortable comfort in one's lives. Increasing demand of energy to keep lives
convenient, a supply could not meet the demand. As people cannot afford to pay
for oil fees one day, a problem of the rise of oil prices would come to the
fore. According to one of research from Korea, a country having a suitable
energy substitution is also becoming a stable country. This trend implies that a
discovery of new infinite energy is likely to a historical spot to step on an
advanced country.
To
sum up, concentrating on developments of schools is not the most important task,
but there are more effective ways such as>> 콤마 지웠습니다 investment for new energy. In this
regard, >> 콤마 넣었습니다 I do think that setting education on the top priority is not a wise way in
order to advance a country.
글이 두번이나 날라가서 빠뜨린 부분이 없나 걱정이네요.. 우선 관사 문제가 큽니다 a 나 the의 오류가 굉장히 많습니다 가산명사에는 a 나 the 혹은 복수명사가 되어야 합니다 작은 문법들에 주의해주시고 병렬 형태도 주의해주시기 바랍니다 Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammartical Range and Accuracy - 5
6.0 예상합니다
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