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Many people tend to judge easily someone who successfully performs successfully in his or her field as a genius. Moreover, they also believe that a prodigy for sport and music is not gained made up not by efforts, but born naturally by natural talents. However, I object to this general opinion and I will explain in this essay that argue talents could be trained by personal efforts in sport and music.
First of all, what makes them special in their field is not just their prodigy, but their own effort perspiration makes someone the best one. Whether how much he or she is genius, if they >> they 가 누구죠 don’t do not have an enough effort to enhance their abilities, they could will >> if 절 동사가 현재면 주절 조동사도 현재입니다 lose their natural-born inborn talents, regardless whether how much he or she is genius. All of them whom people say so- are called as talented people spend a lot of time on improving their skills. For instance, a famous figure skater Kim Yuna spend her most of the her childhood on training her skating skills. Whether Although we don’t do not know that Kim is really genius or not, it is true that she has made a hard effort to train herself, and then succeed in her career. and so succeeded in her career.>> 재능있다고 불리는 사람들은 그들의 스킬을 향상시킨다 라고 했는데 뒤에선 김연아 선수가 천재인지 아닌지 몰라도 이런 얘기를 하는건 본인의 논리와는 맞지 않는 말입니다
On the other hand, there are some proofs which support this opinion. According to Outlier, which is very well known as best-seller book, people who were called as genius invested in their time to achieve a goal about ten thousand times. >> 예시입니다 That is called as the rule of ten thousand times, which means that anyone can success in their field if they spend thousand time on effort.>> 가정법 과거는 현재 사실에 반대입니다 현재 사실에 반대될게 없어서 현재형 써드렸습니다 Furthermore >> 한 단어입니다, the old saying that genius never overcomes ones who make an effort stands by. >> 속담 인용구 이런거 절대 안 씁니다 furthermore는 새로운 주장을 나타내는 부사이기도 하구요
In conclusion, as these references are proved, prodigy could be trained by their efforts. Nowadays,>> 문두 부사 뒤 콤마입니다 a lot of successful people achieve their dreams through expending much time to make an effort. Thus, what we need to success in sport and art field is not depending on natural-born talent, but our genuine effort.
논리 부분에서 많이 약한 모습을 볼 수 있습니다 본론 2에서는 완전히 글의 형식이 제대로 갖춰지지 않았구요 첫째 둘째 결론에선 확실히 뭐가 무슨 단락이다 표시하기 위해 처음에 부사로 뭐라도 표시합니다 To begin with 이나 Firstly나 First of all 등 과 Secondly In conclusion 등이요 속담 인용구도 쓰지 않구요 조그만 문법 실수들도 봐주시길 바랍니다 또한 한 쪽의 의견만 잡고 그 부분만 서술해주세요 본론 2는 왜 나왔는지 할 정도로 모르겠습니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
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