▶ Your Answer :
With the development of technology, the number of people who work at their home is increasing. Personally, I disagree with the opinion that this work pattern is just beneficial only for personnel, not for owners, since many benefits which workers get make will eventually advantageous for employers as well.
To begin with, employers who allow their employees to work from home can get good work performance of each personnel, since their work efficiency can become progressed. Firstly, can be satisfied with emplyees' performances. Workers can easily increase improve easily their abilities of work performances abilities >> Workers can improve work efficiency through arranging processing tasks in more comfortable workplace suitable where is suitable to focus on their own home. They also do not need to be exhausted by daily commuting; >> therefore는 부사라 접속사처럼 두 문장을 이을 수 없습니다 그래서 콤마가 아닌 세미콜론으로 연결해줍니다 therefore, concentrating their mind on the tasks with healthier body condition >> they can concentrate on given works with healthy body and clear mind. For example, when I worked in my office, I dealt with my works more effectively when being healthy without tiredness >> 집에서 하는 것의 장점이 부각되는 예가 나와야 하는데 그저clear mind , healthy body 쪽에 초점이 맞춰진 예시입니다. These advantages will result in a more productive workforce, and in turn a more flourishing company.
Furthermore, companies can become financially prosperous >> save their funds. These days, office rents occupy a considerable proportion of companies' budget because of the rising value of land value of the city center in which many offices are built. To elaborate, one research conducted by Korea Economy Lab. in 2012 pointed out that "Rent, on average, accounted for over one-fifth of yearly budget of one company." >> 1. 우선 예시를 어떤 연구 결과에서 나왔단 것을 쓰는 것 자체가 좋지 않습니다 2. 인용구 등을 쓰면 안 됩니다 재택 근무를 시킴으로써 회사 자금의 상당한 부분을 차지하는 사무실 임대료를 축소할 수 있다 예를 들어~~~~ . Through saving this enormous funds, companies will invest their money in R&D>>?? or increase price competitiveness all of them . Thus, the sparing way will ultimately contribute to higher profits for employers.
In conclusion, I am convinced that home-based telecommuting has a positive influence on company owners as well as their workers, due to improved work efficiency and enlarged spare budget.
요즘들어 글이 계속 장황해지는 것 같아서 짧게... 간단명료하게 써보려고 노력해봤는데 잘 되었는지 모르겠네요.
첨삭 부탁드립니다. 감사합니다^^
----------------------------------------------------
각 문단 첫 시작은 한 칸 띄고 시작해주세요 문장 전체 구조는 좋습니다 그치만 속의 내용이 약간 뭔가 이상하단 느낌이 듭니다 본론에서 그런 부분들 말씀 드렸구요 구조는 정말 좋습니다 그치만 내용이 정말 아쉽습니다 다시 생각해보고 써보시면 좋은 점수 예상됩니다 get 동사는 최대한 피해주시구요 아직 좀 긴 문장들이 있습니다 긴 문장들이 있으면 논리력도 부족할 수 있고 문장 구조들도 수식에 수식이란 점에서 표현력이 부족하다고 판단될 수 있으니 고쳐주세요 본론의 내용이 더 틀어진다면 6.0 까지도 내려갈 수 있습니다 task achievement 나 coherence 부분에서요 그러니 계속 쓰시면서 감 유지하다가 시험장에 가셔야 해요
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 7 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6 6.5 예상합니다 |