▶ Your Answer :
This bar chart compares>> illustrate = show = give(=provide) information on(=about) 으로 그저 나타낸단 설명을 해주는게좋습니다 비교한다라는 풀이보단 the proportions for journeys made for 9 different purposes by males and females in the UK in 2006.
It is clear that shopping is the most popular purpose of journeys in the UK for both genders in the UK, while journeys for holiday and day trip were the least favored. Also, also so and or but 은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 there were some differences by gender.>> 오버뷰를 잘못 잡아서 밑에 디테일과 겹치는걸 볼 수 있는데요 이럴 땐 오버뷰를 전반적으로 여자/남자가 여행을 더 많이 떠나는 편이다, 어디어디서 남자/여자가 크게 앞선다 식으로 해주시는게 좋습니다
Generally, UK British people made journeys for shopping the most at around 21 percent on average >> 남녀를 비교하는 글인데 평균치를 제시하면 다른 것과는 뭐랑 비교 하나요? 평균치는 제시하지 말아주세요, followed by the purpose of commuting and business at around 18 percent. Both journeys for visiting friends and school running similarly accounted similarly for at about 15 percent. Travelling for an educational purpose was made by just over 5 percent of UK residents of Britain, whereas only the least number of people at approximately 3 percent travelled for walking, or enjoying holidays, >> 세개 이상 나열 중 마지막 항목 and/or 앞에 콤마 넣어주세요 and day trips at approximately 3 percent.
On the other hand, there were some major differences between males and females. More women travelled more for visiting friends, shopping, and school running than men,>> 위에 이 항목들 있을 때 비교했으면 글자수도 줄고 시간도 줄고 내용이 더 비교가 직접적으로 간결하게 보여지겠습니다 showing the biggest difference of about 6 percent for school running purpose. Adversely, journeys for purposes of education, sport/entertainment, and commuting, >> 위와 마찬가지입니다 and business were more common among men, with the biggest gap of 8 percent in the commuting and business categories. Travelling for walking, personal business, and holiday, and day trip were made by almost the same numbers of people in both genders.
비교가 효과적으로 되지 못했습니다 그래서 내용도 더 길어졌구요 약 40 자 정도 줄여주셔야 시험에서 시간적인 측면에서 적절할겁니다 다양한 단어 표현을 쓰지 못한게 보이구요 계속 항목의 이름을 말했단건 부드럽게 전개가 한번에 이뤄지지 않았단 것이기도 하구요 영국을 지칭하는 영어는 많습니다 English, British 정도 형용사가 있고 the United Kingdom, Britain, England, the UK 등이요 문장 구조도 계속 비슷하고 틀린 부분들이 구두점 등의 문법에서도 많습니다 쉬운 것들은 다 잡아주세요
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
5.5 예상합니다 |