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In recent years, the problems of obesity are is significant issues >> obesity becomes a significant issue in many countries. In this essay, I will explain the cause of this problem the increasing number of obese people and indicate several measurements to solve this problems phenomenon.
First and foremost, I regard the cause of this problem is mainly the development of fast-food industry leads to this overweighted world. The junk food companies such as McDonalds and KFC are promoting their products by advertising to pester their potential cumstomers to purchase their products. Even worse, their products such as hamburgers, french-fries, >> 세개 이상 나열 중 마지막에 나오는 and/or 앞엔 콤마입니다 and fried-chickens are well known as junk food which are directly harmful for health since these contain a lot of fats and additives. Besides, people tend to ignore the warning signs of this problem even though they have known the cause effect of this problem to their health. They enjoy eathing junk food >> 앞에 주장들과 다른 내용입니다 besides 는 게다가로 주장을 나타내는 말이니 삭제해주세요.
Otherwise, in order to alleviate increasing weight of people, I think the endeavor of governments and individuals need. Firstly, governments have to regulate the advertisement of fast goods the ready meals. Secondly, they should educate people to choice good diet and let know how important is the food for health is. Moreover, in the aspect of individual`s endeavor, they should exercise regularly and try to eat healthy food themselves >> 모두 각 문장들이 주장이 되는 부분들입니다 본문 하나엔 하나의 의견만 넣어주세요.
To summarise, I regard the main cause of the obesity is the fast foods. And >> and or also so but 은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다, in order to ease this problem, the authourities should legislate the law about regulation of on junk food advertisement and educate people to choice another good diet. Furthermore, individuals also have to try to lose their weight through exercising and eating feasible food for health themselves >> furthermore 역시 주장을 나타냅니다 좋지 않으니 지워주세요.
각 문단 첫 시작은 한 칸 들여써주세요 현재 Task2를 구성하기엔 많이 이르다고 판단됩니다 문법, 단어 공부하시면서 Task1 연습해보시길 바랍니다 스펠링 오류도 너무 많습니다 모두 고쳐주세요
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 4 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.0 예상합니다 |