▶ Your Answer : Today, life spans have been longer than ever due to highly developed medicines and medical science. However, it is undeniable that living longer has merits as well as serious demerits.I think demerits overwhelm merits in this situation.
(이 문장이 introduction에 포함하면 더 좋을거같아요>)Aged people affect the world socially and economically. Firstly, old people have enormous amount of experience (enormous는 experience을 directly 꾸며줄수는 없어요) through living longer and more than others whole life, which could be a good chance for young generations to learn something from real life skills. If the young are with the old, they can get learn techniques about what they have to do to achieve their dreams or not with or without big expenditures. Secondly, the longer the people live, the more products they need because humans has have to consume necessaries and eat food until they die. This connects to more consumption and leads the to economic growth. [For instance, silver essential market, such as artificial teeth, diapers, records considerable increases and this means that it is linked to economic boom.]<(makes no sense. 문장의 앞부분이 무슨 말씀을 하시는지 모르겠어요, reword/rephrase가 필요합니다.
Nevertheless, we cannot discount the drawbacks related to aging society that we should consider. To begin with, over populations causes lack of work places we are facing seriously now. After graduating from university, most students have to get a part time job because there are no vacant work spaces in companies. What is worse is that, when the old are added to the labor market, effort to get a job would become a battlefield. Moreover, welfare charge would become another issue and naturally quality of welfare would be out of expectation. To support people who are particularly in the aged group, it is clear that the burden for tax rises and we have to work and pay more. According to BBC, once a person lives a year longer after the age of 70, the people have to pay $3,000 more a year. It is a waste of time and money.
To sum up, even though living longer is a general trend , and as a result of this, many advantages are expected, we should not underestimate the negative sides.
Score: 5.5 Comment: Spelling 조심해주세요! 표현력이 아직은 많이 높지 않으셔서 공부를 더 하시면 좋을거같아요. 영어를 쓸때는 그 단어나 명사에 알맞게 표현을 써주시는것도 어떤 의미가 되느냐에 영향을 줍니다. 콜로케이션을 조금 공부하시면 좋으실거같아요. 에세이 내용은 잘 쓰신거같아요. 정리를 조금더 다듬이시면 좋을거같습니다.
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