▶ Your Answer : Recently, Today, we are living in a globalized society <('근래에, 최근에 우리는 globalized된 사회에 살고있다'고 하시면 reader가 문장을 어색하다고 생각할수도있습니다). So that Thus, we can go everywhere all over the world without a bit of exceptions. In this essay, I will talk about the effects of tourism in both ways.<(조금더 질문에 대해 생각해보시고 그 effects를 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 지금은 introduction이 이 에세이의 질문은 반영하지않고 대답해주고 있지않는 것 같습니다 )
Firstly, the most bright side of tourism is making friends. We could meet many friends in a variety of countries. Actually, when I had been in Europe, I made loads of friends in there. It was a totally new experience for me and we could keep in touch with each other. {It was because of development of technology, we could make a conversations through the smartphone in real time.}<흐름이 다른 이야기로 가고 있고 이 토픽과는 상관 없는 문장입니다. Of no value인 문장입니다) As the global tourism is increasing, people in the world are connecting more. They can learn about the other cultures and history additionally. I think it is a great part to make our lives abundant. Despite all of those advantages, there are several drawbacks in global tourism. Deforestation is already in danger, now. As increasing tourists come from the advanced nations, poor countries have started to develop tour spots for the money. According to BBC,already half of all forests and swamps have are disappeared and it's<(풀어서 써주셔야합니다) ongoing. That This is a severe problem. In undeveloped countries, global tourists are very important. It is because they could earn money from them.
I think this is like two sides of the a coin. Obviously, global tourism can make the global world more familiar and friendly. (문장을 conjunction으로 시작하시는 건 좋지 않습니다) But in my opinion, we should pay have attention on to the side effects. We must not destroy our planet for our joyful of tourism.
Score: 4 Comment: 스펠링을 많이 틀리십니다. 조심해주세요. 문법도 많이 어색하시고 틀리십니다. 에세이를 쓴후 꼭 proofreading을 해주시는게 좋습니다. 에세이의 흐림이 좋이 않습니다. 주장이 무엇이고 문단 마다 견론이 뭔지 잘 모르겠습니다. 그렇기 때문에 문다이나 문장마다 연결성이랑 clarity가 떨어집니다. Outline형식으로 내용을 먼저 정리 하신후 에세이를 쓰시면 도움이 되실 것 같습니다. |