▶ Your Answer : The industrialisation and mordernisation in society have brought to increase the quality of life. However, in recent decades, there are some developed countries that has been appeared have the appearance of obesity in young children as a serious social problem. In this following essay, I will discuss several reasons of this issue and indicate solutions.
First of all, in the wealthy countries, teenagers are fairly exposed to fast food such as Mcdonald, KFC, and Burger King. In addition, it is clear that junk foods are not be able to give well-balanced nutrition and trigger the obesity to in children. According to the research form from the World Health Organisation (WHO), the number of fast food branches across the globe are densely located in developed countries. As this shows, it is evident that children who has lived in prosperous countries are likely to assess fast food and easily to be fat rather than these those who are in the developing countries, and it regards the obesity on young children's health as serious a social problem. Therefore, it is concerned that parents and guardians should teach and guide children's eating habits.
Moreover, in well-to-do countries, although(이 문장에 맞지 않는현입니다. Although 가 나오면, 같은 문장에 그 반대의 이야기가 나와야합니다) these(what these?) have provided good educations system to young students, and it makes them to increase knowledge such as languages, math, and science. However, efforts to increase their intelligence have caused insufficient time to do physical exercise, preventing them from the obesity.<(운동을 안해서 obesity에 벗어나고 있다 라고 이야기 하고 계십니다) According to the report in Tokyo National University, the analysis of time to physical exercise in primary students between current and past shows that current students do not have not to had sufficient time to for physical training than theses those in the past. These unsatisfied time will cause obesity and other social problems. Therefore, it is obvious that students need some physical exercise regularly and compulsorily.
To sum up, the causes of obesity in developed countries are that children are likely to assess fast foods that easily, making make them to be fat obese as well as the insufficient time to do exercise. These can be solved through the regardness?? careful watch of from parents and guardians on the to eating habits on of their children and also providing regular time to do some activities such as tennis, jogging and so on.
Score: 4.5 Comment: 문법이랑 단어 선택에 틀리시는게 많습니다. 그렇기 때문에 읽기가 보금 헷갈립니다. 특히 동사 사용에 많이 틀리시는 것 같습니다. 질문에 대한 답은 좋다고 생각합니다 다만 전반적으로 내용 정리랑 문장 어순 정리가 더 필요한 에세이입니다. 스펠링이 틀리시지 않도록 proofreading을 꼭 하시길 바랍니다. 그리고 formal 한 에세이에 fat라고 쓰시면 노골적으로 들릴수도있습니다. 단어를 조금더 순화해서 사용하시는게 좋습니다. |