▶ Your Answer : These days, energy systems are really important. There are many kinds of energy such as solar energy, wind energy, hydro energy, geothermal energy, and much more etc<(formal essay에는 크게 추천 하는 단어가 아닙니다). Among these sources of energy, nuclear energy technology systems give us cheaper and cleaner energy than any other energy sources. <(thesis statement 가 질문을 답해주고 있지 않습니다. 질문은 nuclear energy가 world peace, cheaper and cleaner energy를 주는 방면이 이 에너지를 사용하는데서 장점이 단점을 커버할만큼 좋은가 에 대해서 물어보고 있습니다) First, it is cheap. When building a nuclear power plant, there are many electronic devices, instruments, pumps, valves, power lines, etc. Since these materials are expensive, the cost of building a nuclear power plant is expensive. About seven 7 trillion Korean won should be invested to build only one power plant. Constructing costs a lot of money, but after this, the cost of maintaining nuclear power plant is much cheaper than any other types of power system.<(need to summarize and rephrase. topic sentence와 반대로 내용이 갑자기 contradicting했다가 agree로 갑니다. cohesion에 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.) This is because a nuclear power plant will produce energy for more than thirty years. During this time, pumps, valves, or fuel should be changed to maintain operation and these cost lowly. These are the reasons why maintaining the nuclear power is cheaper comparing to any other power systems such as coal power, solar power, or hydro power.<(에너지 자체가 cheap하시다고 topic sentence에 써주셨기 때문에 maintaining is cheap이라고 하시면 balance가 off 합니다) Second, nuclear power is a clean energy. For instance, coil power, and boiling water power produces a great amount of lot of carbon dioxide. This carbon dioxide is really harmful to us and to the environment. It also destroys, the ozone layers. Many people are trying to decrease or minimize carbon dioxide emissions, but it is hard to do so. They are researching systems that can minimize carbon emissions. Among these circumstances, nuclear power is welcomed, because carbon emissions are negligible. <(왜 nuclear power이 clean한지 먼저 설명 해주셔야합니다. 문단의 흐름이 좋지 않습니다) In conclusion, if we want clean and cheap energy, then the answer is nuclear power. This will provide us clean energy with the lowest price.
Score: 4 Comment: 질문을 잘 답해주고 있지 않습니다. nuclear energy가 어떻게 다른 에너지 보다 싸고 깨끗한지를 설명해주시는게 아니라 nuclear technology의 장점 과 단점이 있는데 이 것을 사용하는데에서 장점이 단점을 커버할 만큼 좋은지/사용해야하는지에 대한 의견/답을 주셔야합니다. 또한 문단 안의 흐름이 좋지 않습니다. 내용이 주제와 consistent하지 않고 다른 이야기를 하셨다가 다시 본론으로 돌아오십니다. 문법상 spelling에 자주 틀리시고 계십니다. Silly mistakes를 줄이기 위해서는 꼭 proofreading을 마지막에 한 두번 해주시는게 좋습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |