▶ Your Answer : I considerably disagree that all children should start learning a foreign language in the earliest grades. <(thesis statement를 주시기 전에 주제가 무엇인제 paraphrase해주시면 좋습니다)
In the recente decade, it tend to be earlier to learning a foreign language for children tends to start earlier than before. In my home country, for example, students started learning English in their middle school ten 10 years ago, but nowadays, students should study English starting from in first grade of elementary school. Surely, there are good sides of learning a foreign language as children are able to learn everything fast, especially languages. For instance, a baby can learn his there mother tongue without studying hard. <(문단이 전달하고자 하는 본론이 무엇인지 잘 모르겠습니다. 글쓴이의 주장을 support하고 있지는 않습니다)
On the other hand, sometimes children can easily feel tired of studying something. They could possibly dislike learning a foreign language, because children are already have plenty of subjects to study such as science, mathematics and art. Oppositely, a foreign language disturbs to learn their there mother language. For example, children who have parents from different countries nationality, they choose to speak only one language even though they know the other language. Correspondingly, children who moved to a foreign country in there early childhood, they feel confused about their identity, and sometimes forget their mother tongue. <(이 문단도 글쓴이의 주장을 support하고 있지는 않습니다)
In my opinion, children should study a foreign language after they have enough time to learn their first language. It is not too late that learning a foreign language in teenages according to their interests.<(의미 전달이 잘안되는 문장입니다) Therefore, I think there are more disadvantages to learning a foreign language too early at school than advantages. <(이 문단의 내용을 가지고 에세이를 서술해주셨어야합니다. discuss both views질문이 아닌 글쓴이의 주장을 물어보고 있는 질문입니다. 위 두 문단은 관련이 있는 내용이지만 글쓴이의 주장을 support하고 있지는 않습니다.)
Score: 4.5 Comment: Body 내용이 글쓴이의 주장 보다는 왜 아이들이 일찍 외국어를 배우는지 아니면 안배우는지에 대해 서술해주셨습니다. 오히려 마지막 문단에 있는 내용을 가지고 에세이를 서술해주셨어야합니다. 그렇기 때문에 에세이의 concluding하는 느낌도 크게 없습니다. 또한 introduction에 improvement가 필요합니다. 문법상 spelling에 주의해주시기를 바랍니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |